Final Draft Please Read

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
spencer1888
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:40 pm

Final Draft Please Read

Postby spencer1888 » Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:51 pm

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Last edited by spencer1888 on Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:31 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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srb
Posts: 62
Joined: Sun Dec 21, 2008 12:49 am

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby srb » Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:08 pm

Deleted per poster's request
Last edited by srb on Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

spencer1888
Posts: 29
Joined: Fri Oct 29, 2010 11:40 pm

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby spencer1888 » Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:16 pm

Thank you! Any thoughts on overall effectiveness?

gamblera
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby gamblera » Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:18 pm

"playing cops and robbers and traversing the neighborhood via the fences and courtyards that linked houses and apartment buildings of Brooklyn." sounds forced.

then there is a reference to you being in some tech position in high school. when i read that i was like "why do i care about high school ecs. i want to know about college."

"the program is considered to be a mini llm" by who?? you should talk about how it is sweet, not how it is some mini watered down program of something

all in all, i see what you are trying to get at: "sister made me do shit when i was younger that i didnt like, now it is helping me and has prepared me for law school" but the middle is shaky. work on linking ideas


hope that helps

gamblera
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby gamblera » Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:20 pm

you elaborate on things that dont interest me (bookshelves and books etc). I want to read details about stuff that matters (that tax llm program and what got you interest in that, how that program moved you).

srry double post

shoop
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:52 pm

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby shoop » Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:37 pm

I've never heard of Meryl Lynch. It sounds like an Oscar nominee had a baby with an investment bank.

gamblera
Posts: 28
Joined: Sat Jun 19, 2010 11:33 pm

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby gamblera » Sun Nov 14, 2010 8:43 pm

shoop wrote:I've never heard of Meryl Lynch. It sounds like an Oscar nominee had a baby with an investment bank.


definitely correct that. good eye

SortOfObsessed
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: Final Draft Please Read

Postby SortOfObsessed » Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:40 am

I enjoy your writing style, but I feel like the PS itself is too sequential in nature.

What is more recent (i.e. college) deserves more detail in your PS than what occurred years ago. I'd rather you scrap the stuff with "key club" and delve into more detail with your experience with the Volunteer Income Tax Assistance program. Maybe provide more examples of what you did with that organization, who you helped, etc. because it sounds like a role that will exhibit your leadership skills and also your commitment to social responsibility.

Also, "Halfway through the course it dawned on me that taxation and law were intricately related. In fact, taxation is law. I realized I wanted to go to law school." Mentioning your epiphany about going to law school is the worst law school PS cliche of all time. Definitely remove this, or rephrase it in some other way.

"My love of infant criminality" does not sound right. It sounds like you enjoy baby felons.

Anyhow, best of luck to you! Your sister sounds like a wonderful person. :)




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