critiques please!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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downing
Posts: 272
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 2:03 am

critiques please!

Postby downing » Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:21 pm

I would appreciate any helpful comments, and am especially concerned with your first impression, or feeling, after reading it over once.

With vivacity, Dr. Lawrence, my first teacher of British Literature, laid down comfortably on his desk in front of about thirty students, to physically convey his wildly imagined picture of Oscar Wilde. The class erupted in a mixture of laughter and admiration. This man had earned a veritable fan club. At the time I wasn’t aware of the word “sprezzatura” (the effortless display of complex or practiced mannerisms), a concept I learned while taking a course on the renaissance, or I would have made a quick association. I was charmingly persuaded.

For some individuals, it’s a moment of brilliant insight that drives them toward a unique personal goal; for me, it was the combination of a love of Jules Verne’s novels (especially The Mysterious Island), and Dr. Lawrence’s spirited lectures, that made the taxing business of deciding on a major simple. I chose to study English Literature – and through my chosen major, I found my way to law.

Rabbis passionately perusing dusty books; scholars in suits, poring over convoluted property laws in the original Aramaic; and students like myself, trying to decode Rashi script in order to understand Talmudic commentary: those vivid memories resurfaced in my mind while professors remarked on the complexities of authorship concerns in romance novels, and the presence of legal issues in Langland’s Pierce Plowman – I saw that English literature was rife with references to legal matters; references that stirred my imagination, and which anchored theories to practicum. Those issues were similarly cause for me to connect a piece of my cultural past to the present, and for me to decide that I would study law formally in the future.

After graduating from college I wanted more experience, and to make the transition to law school equipped with a better informed world view, so I began teaching in Korea. I had the dual opportunity to work for normal organizations, and of forming my own school with a Korean associate. In the past two years I taught children as young as four years old to adults in their fifties, managed a plethora of study groups, and founded a small academy in the city of Gwacheon. The academy I founded, which is now fully run by my friend and co-founder, was only able to manifest through the careful navigation of the Korean language, and through an understanding of laws related to property and teaching privileges; moreover, while working as an employee of larger teaching companies, I found it necessary to carefully examine the contracts offered. Again, I was struck by the importance of understanding the law, and how it directly impacted the outcome of many of my endeavors, if not all of them. Both in the intellectual sphere, and outside of it, my appreciation of the significance of jurisprudence was expanded.

I’ve matured by leading a thoughtful and adventurous life, and know what I am looking for. My goal and focus is on the law, and ultimately on the practice of law in a large urban setting. I am particularly interested in living in the 'Northeast' and intend to focus on New York and Boston. I have learned in my life that I can adjust and succeed in the face of real challenges, and how to be flexible without breaking. I have enjoyed the excitement and intensity of large urban centers, Los Angeles and Seoul, and am confident I would bring a unique perspective and experience to Fordham. It is now time that I welcome the opportunity to contribute to a dynamic campus and legal community.

nateaway
Posts: 18
Joined: Fri Jun 18, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: critiques please!

Postby nateaway » Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:33 pm

I suppose my first impression is that it covers two fairly disparate topics, neither in enough detail. It also seems like the connection you draw between english literature and the law is rather weak. I would focus on the Korea experience and starting a school as that is easily the more unique and impressive experience than majoring in english, and then getting a job that's not even remotely related to english.




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