Please read, need to submit!!! Forum
- kruiz88
- Posts: 194
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm
Please read, need to submit!!!
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Last edited by kruiz88 on Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.
- kruiz88
- Posts: 194
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Did I talk enough about myself?
- The Gentleman
- Posts: 670
- Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2010 12:25 am
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Well if you need to submit this soon, then I'll limit my comments to grammar/wording/punctuation.
1st PP
- Consider changing "how to be a man" to something more politically correct. It could be construed as sexist.
2nd PP
- Eliminate or reword the third sentence. Combine the 4th/5th sentence into one.
- The 2nd paragraph is too long, break it up.
- I'm confused about what your task was for the archive. Were you looking through newspapers? Actually interviewing people? Or both? It needs to be worded more clearly.
3rd PP
- In the second to last sentence, change "much sacrifices" to "many sacrifices".
1st PP
- Consider changing "how to be a man" to something more politically correct. It could be construed as sexist.
2nd PP
- Eliminate or reword the third sentence. Combine the 4th/5th sentence into one.
- The 2nd paragraph is too long, break it up.
- I'm confused about what your task was for the archive. Were you looking through newspapers? Actually interviewing people? Or both? It needs to be worded more clearly.
3rd PP
- In the second to last sentence, change "much sacrifices" to "many sacrifices".
- piccolittle
- Posts: 1118
- Joined: Mon Oct 06, 2008 4:16 pm
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Also, last sentence: "He truly was the model for what I aspire to be."
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- Posts: 222
- Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:08 pm
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Primo, way too much about you Abuelo. I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. Also, if this is a PS, I believe it can be about a paragraph longer. I don't think you have too much about yourself, remember, the PS is supposed to be about you and who you are.
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- Posts: 2011
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2009 5:57 am
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Should I have called my grandmother "big mama" in my PS to "reinforces the diversity I bring to the table?"elm84dr wrote:I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. .
What kind of a ridiculous thing to say is that?
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- Posts: 222
- Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:08 pm
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Dude, if thats what you called her, then yea. I'm a Latino of African descent, so you should peep my stats before you come rushing to judgement, I'm trying to help a brother out here. It makes the story more engaging when you refer to someone in that kind of endearing way. In my PS I refer to my parents as Mami and Pa. That's just me, and if Big Mama is in your PS and that's what you call her then why not?
- kruiz88
- Posts: 194
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
OK, I'll add another paragraph on myself. Thank you elm84dr.elm84dr wrote:Primo, way too much about you Abuelo. I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. Also, if this is a PS, I believe it can be about a paragraph longer. I don't think you have too much about yourself, remember, the PS is supposed to be about you and who you are.
Nice catch.piccolittle wrote:Also, last sentence: "He truly was the model for what I aspire to be."
Well I'd rather fix it if there is a major or fundamental error, did you spot any?The Gentleman wrote:Well if you need to submit this soon, then I'll limit my comments to grammar/wording/punctuation."
- The Gentleman
- Posts: 670
- Joined: Fri Jul 02, 2010 12:25 am
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
I didn't notice any major flaws in topic/theme/cohesiveness. Although at times you tend to focus too much on your grandfather instead of yourself. But overall, this is a pretty solid essay. Just clean up the mechanical stuff. (grammar/wording/sentence flow)kruiz88 wrote:Well I'd rather fix it if there is a major or fundamental error, did you spot any?
- kruiz88
- Posts: 194
- Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 1:20 pm
Re: Please read, need to submit!!!
Sounds good, thanks.