Please read, need to submit!!!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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kruiz88
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Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Sat Nov 13, 2010 9:12 am

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Last edited by kruiz88 on Mon Nov 15, 2010 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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kruiz88
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Sat Nov 13, 2010 11:44 am

Did I talk enough about myself?

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The Gentleman
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby The Gentleman » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:12 pm

Well if you need to submit this soon, then I'll limit my comments to grammar/wording/punctuation.

1st PP
- Consider changing "how to be a man" to something more politically correct. It could be construed as sexist.

2nd PP
- Eliminate or reword the third sentence. Combine the 4th/5th sentence into one.
- The 2nd paragraph is too long, break it up.
- I'm confused about what your task was for the archive. Were you looking through newspapers? Actually interviewing people? Or both? It needs to be worded more clearly.

3rd PP
- In the second to last sentence, change "much sacrifices" to "many sacrifices".

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piccolittle
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby piccolittle » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:24 pm

Also, last sentence: "He truly was the model for what I aspire to be."

elm84dr
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby elm84dr » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:27 pm

Primo, way too much about you Abuelo. I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. Also, if this is a PS, I believe it can be about a paragraph longer. I don't think you have too much about yourself, remember, the PS is supposed to be about you and who you are.

Aqualibrium
Posts: 2011
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby Aqualibrium » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:41 pm

elm84dr wrote:I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. .


Should I have called my grandmother "big mama" in my PS to "reinforces the diversity I bring to the table?"

What kind of a ridiculous thing to say is that?

elm84dr
Posts: 222
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:08 pm

Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby elm84dr » Sat Nov 13, 2010 1:07 pm

Dude, if thats what you called her, then yea. I'm a Latino of African descent, so you should peep my stats before you come rushing to judgement, I'm trying to help a brother out here. It makes the story more engaging when you refer to someone in that kind of endearing way. In my PS I refer to my parents as Mami and Pa. That's just me, and if Big Mama is in your PS and that's what you call her then why not?

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kruiz88
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Sat Nov 13, 2010 1:27 pm

elm84dr wrote:Primo, way too much about you Abuelo. I would also say that you should call him "Abuelo" if that's what you actually called him. It re-emphasizes the diversity you bring to the table. Also, if this is a PS, I believe it can be about a paragraph longer. I don't think you have too much about yourself, remember, the PS is supposed to be about you and who you are.

OK, I'll add another paragraph on myself. Thank you elm84dr.

piccolittle wrote:Also, last sentence: "He truly was the model for what I aspire to be."

Nice catch.

The Gentleman wrote:Well if you need to submit this soon, then I'll limit my comments to grammar/wording/punctuation."


Well I'd rather fix it if there is a major or fundamental error, did you spot any?

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The Gentleman
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby The Gentleman » Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:36 pm

kruiz88 wrote:Well I'd rather fix it if there is a major or fundamental error, did you spot any?


I didn't notice any major flaws in topic/theme/cohesiveness. Although at times you tend to focus too much on your grandfather instead of yourself. But overall, this is a pretty solid essay. Just clean up the mechanical stuff. (grammar/wording/sentence flow)

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kruiz88
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Re: Please read, need to submit!!!

Postby kruiz88 » Sun Nov 14, 2010 5:40 pm

Sounds good, thanks.




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