Yet another PS

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gin
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Yet another PS

Postby gin » Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:32 am

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Last edited by gin on Mon Dec 06, 2010 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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rbarcelo9
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Re: Yet another PS

Postby rbarcelo9 » Sat Nov 13, 2010 3:59 am

gin wrote:Somehow I have the feeling I'm going to regret this. Here is another attempt at a PS
One of my main concerns is that I might sound a bit to snobby but I'm not sure


“Opposition brings concord. Out of discord comes the greatest harmony.” – Heraclitus

While growing up in Mexico City, my parents sent me to a Catholic school and they sheltered me from all of the crime and corruption of the city. Later, we moved to one of the suburbs in Houston, Texas, where I was sheltered in the suburbia bubble. As it might be expected, until that point I had a very conservative and rather naïve worldview.

It all changed when I went to college. There, I met many people with very different backgrounds and points of view, many of which contradicted each other. As time progressed, I started to question my views, partly due to this exposure and partly due to my new understanding of the world I acquired from my classes. I became more methodical and my approach towards my beliefs changed. I backed my beliefs on empirical evidence and if my beliefs did not match the evidence, they would change. There were, however, a large number of views that required assumptions which could not be tested. In those cases, I would look at the arguments and side with the idea that was the most logically sound.

Even though my views changed I did not see people who held opposing views in contempt, as I knew where they were coming from. The one exception, however, was regarding my views on religion and religious fundamentalists. As my views on morality and religion evolved and I became more comfortable with my sexuality, I started to see religion as the main culprit of my years of social isolation. Furthermore, I saw how, when taken to the extreme, it led to bigotry and war amongst some people while others would remain apathetic and would resign to their fate because would be more concerned with the afterlife than with life.

One day, one of my friends asked me if I was interested in going to her Bible study sessions, which was an odd question considering she knew my views on religion. She explained that they like to have different points of view at the sessions and often times invite members of other Christian denominations. After some convincing – granted, it did not take that much – I agreed to go. The series of discussions climaxed when they argued that sinning is always wrong because sinning pulls people away from God. I offered a hypothetical scenario where they would have to steal in order to survive and save their families from starvation, but in turn would hurt another family that was also struggling. After 40 minutes of a lively discussion, they finally agreed that sometimes it is permissible to “sin.” They were not the only ones to change their minds that night, though.

During the discussion, one of the older ladies shared a story of how one of her relatives was brutally murdered and how if it had not been for religion, specifically the idea that God always has a plan, she would have never been able to cope with her loss. It was that same idea of resigning to one’s fate because “God always has a plan” and that I detested so much that had saved her. <-- This sentence doesnt really make sense. Not really sure what you are trying to say, I could just be misreading it though.That’s when I remembered that, even though religion is the source of so many problems in this world, it is also a source of hope and comfort for a lot of people.

In the Bible study sessions I presented the group with views they would usually not be exposed to, and as a result, their evolved as mine have evolved. By been exposed to different views, a lot of my views have changed while other views have evolved and grown stronger. This section seems a little rushed and unclear. It doesn't seem to me that it needs to be its own paragraph, if you decide to keep it separate, it needs some tweaking. Perhaps include a specific instance of how your views have changed?

A balanced approach, an open mind, can go a long way. It is the ability to absorb differing views, listen to opposing sides, and search for common ground that defines my approach to challenges now. I intend to rely on my life lessons as I work hard in law school and in my future career in law; after all that is what Heraclitus meant: when people see each other’s point of view and engage in a little discourse, they are able to advance.

Hedwig
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Re: Yet another PS

Postby Hedwig » Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:43 am

Even though my views changed I did not see people who held opposing views in contempt, as I knew where they were coming from.

Okay, I get that you didn't view these people contemptuously (which prompts me to go: whhhat, um, nice self pat on the back there fore NOT being contemptuous even if I know you're not being snobby, it may have a little hint of snobbishness here, sorry).

You have a few sentences that seem awkward (agree with criticism above). I found some of your language to be a little stiff and seemed kind of like you were trying to be wordy. Since I am naturally wordy a lot of the time, I get that it might just be your style. But I'd try to make sure it doesn't sound stiff or overfully wordy.

" it led to bigotry and war amongst some people while others would remain apathetic and would resign to their fate because would be more concerned with the afterlife than with life."

Mmm, I think you want "would become resigned to their fate" ... not would resign to their fate. That's using the verb in a different way than the way you want - that's more like you resign your job or something, not you resign yourself TO something. Also, you missed a they after the because. Also, not sure you need to say "than with life." more concerned with the afterlife --> pretty much assumed its more concerned about afterlife than life because what else is there? If you want to keep that in, I'd take out the with or maybe add an itself. "more concerned with the afterlife than with life itself" or something, maybe

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gin
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Re: Yet another PS

Postby gin » Sat Nov 13, 2010 12:59 pm

Awesome, thanks a lot. I also saw some of these problems but I couldn't figure out how to change them.
Any criticisms regarding content? Because last time that drew a lot of attention

CanadianWolf
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Re: Yet another PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Nov 13, 2010 1:04 pm

I stopped reading after I saw an opening quotation--especially since the quote is boring.

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gin
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Re: Yet another PS

Postby gin » Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:29 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:I stopped reading after I saw an opening quotation--especially since the quote is boring.

I'm sorry you don't like it when the PS opens with a quote, but that is not going to change. I spent days trying to figure out what to write about until I arrived at this and almost ready to submit the first batch of applications. Besides, the idea of a PS that revolves around a quote is that it should start out with a quote.

This does remind me: does the theme of the quote run across the PS or is it lost in the story?

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Yet another PS

Postby CanadianWolf » Sat Nov 13, 2010 10:08 pm

My point is that your opening line is very important. It should be designed to interest the reader.




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