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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jd2b1010
Posts: 19
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:24 am

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Postby jd2b1010 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:39 pm

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Last edited by jd2b1010 on Sat Nov 13, 2010 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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homestyle28
Posts: 2312
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Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby homestyle28 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:44 pm

It's hard to judge devoid of context, but the second sentence is phrased like a question. Should read:

"Now, more than ever, knowledge of finance and accounting is a vital..."

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Shooter
Posts: 474
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 1:39 am

Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby Shooter » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:45 pm

I see where you're going with this. But I don't particularly like it. The second sentence is written in a very odd way. Move "is" to after knowledge.

Also, the subprime mortgage crisis was not a corporate scandal.

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RVP11
Posts: 2774
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 6:32 pm

Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby RVP11 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:46 pm

Please don't include this in a personal statement.
Last edited by RVP11 on Fri Nov 12, 2010 5:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Flips88
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Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby Flips88 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:50 pm

You guys sure do read well.

champ33
Posts: 415
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Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby champ33 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:15 pm

I don't see anything at all wrong with it as is.

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djjf39
Posts: 182
Joined: Tue May 25, 2010 4:32 pm

Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby djjf39 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:21 pm

Lose passive voice in first sentence:

jd2b1010 wrote:"The business climate of the past decade was impacted by numerous corporate scandals,


Should read something like " Numerous corporate scandals ravaged the economy and business climate during the last decade"

Reword this sentence as well:

jd2b1010 wrote: Now, more than ever, is finance and accounting knowledge a vital component of a corporate attorney’s background.


Content is fine, Enron reference maybe a little trite.

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pinkzeppelin
Posts: 232
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Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby pinkzeppelin » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:28 pm

jd2b1010 wrote:"The business climate of the past decade was impacted by numerous corporate scandals


It's a matter of choice, but I don't like the passive voice here. What djjf39 said is credited.

jd2b1010 wrote:, from Enron and WorldCom to the subprime mortgage crisis. Now, more than ever, is finance and accounting knowledge a vital component of a corporate attorney’s background.


What other posters said about the sentence structure is credited. In addition, what you're saying is very vague. How do the scandals make a background in finance and accounting vital?

jd2b1010 wrote: My experience in these areas will add diversity both in the law school classroom and in practice, whether as a corporate attorney, wite collar prosecutor, or in some other practice area entirely."


I'm hoping you will replace "my experience in these areas" with what you did in your actual PS.

Also, the last part ("whether...") adds nothing of substance. Remove it.

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jdemmitt
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Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby jdemmitt » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:20 pm

"now more than ever" is a cliche. It sounds tacky.

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Emma.
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Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby Emma. » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:34 pm

RVP11 wrote:Please don't include this in a personal statement.


edit:

also: http://www.contentious.com/2005/10/22/v ... acted-ugh/

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RVP11
Posts: 2774
Joined: Tue Nov 06, 2007 6:32 pm

Re: Is this phrase presumptuous and/or bad in general?

Postby RVP11 » Sun Nov 14, 2010 2:02 am

Emma. wrote:
RVP11 wrote:Please don't include this in a personal statement.


edit:

also: http://www.contentious.com/2005/10/22/v ... acted-ugh/


The content is crap, too.




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