Please Critique! Go hard on me!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
DoniLynn
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:55 am

Please Critique! Go hard on me!

Postby DoniLynn » Fri Nov 12, 2010 4:59 am

Deleted
Last edited by DoniLynn on Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:52 pm, edited 5 times in total.

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: I need help with my Personal Statement! Please Critique!

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:12 am

you put your real name? delete that boo boo.

overall this is good. honest and has all the characteristics of a decent personal statement. the ending is a bit too hallmark for me. just my opinion, however.

does your mom really just up and quote Emerson like that? pretty hot.

nikkilaw
Posts: 8
Joined: Wed Oct 27, 2010 12:18 pm

Re: Please Critique! Go hard on me!

Postby nikkilaw » Fri Nov 12, 2010 12:59 pm

Her and my father separated after eight years and two children together.


this sentence sounds awkward, consider revising.
overall, good content, needs work on the execution =)




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