PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
pereira6
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Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:10 pm

PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

Postby pereira6 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:22 am

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Last edited by pereira6 on Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

pereira6
Posts: 604
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:10 pm

Re: PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

Postby pereira6 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:23 pm

Aaaaaand here's a shameful bump to induce some replies out of some people :|

Trying to send out my apps this weekend, some help would be awesome!

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lisavj
Posts: 275
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Re: PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

Postby lisavj » Fri Nov 12, 2010 2:59 pm

pereira6 wrote:

Images and videos flashed across the screen in rapid succession. A motion of a woman playing violin was displayed, quickly followed by pictures of flashing stoplights. It was a psychedelic nightmare, meant to be an artistic expression. I had a total lack of exposure to contemporary art, and therefore I felt very uncomfortable with the experience. However, the point of the presentation was not to simply react to the art on a personal level. I experienced this with thirteen other students of the [Large Public University in the Northeast]'s Honors College, and the goal was to gain insight on others’ viewpoints by listening to everyone’s interpretations and reactions to the same visual event. After a few interpretations were voiced, a seemingly random assortment of visuals somehow motivated the class into a spirited debate about trade restrictions.


I'd change the second sentence - just list the images, then you create a verbal underlining of the visual you are trying to describe. The sentences in general seem awkward - try reading them out loud and seeing how they flow. If you would say it differently, write it differently.

pereira6 wrote:The class where this took place was called “Conversations through the Disciplines”. I was surrounded by the brightest minds of the extremely large freshman class, who were all attracted to the course for the same reason I was: A somewhat vague course title and description that hinted at the notion of open forum discussion. Not only were my classmates vastly intelligent, the appeal of unguarded dialogue meant they were also well-spoken and ripe for heated arguments. I had always been an extroverted, opinionated individual, but this class was my first experience in which each member of the group I was associated with rivaled my outspokenness and reason.


I wouldn't focus on the intelligence of your classmates, it makes you sound like you *aren't* intelligent, or that you are only holding your own. Instead I like the focus on why you are interested in the course. Flesh that out some - say why you are attracted to open discussion/why you enjoy the challenge of interdisciplinary etc...

pereira6 wrote:The “psychedelic nightmare” was one of many, diverse installments of the weekly seminar, in which the ambition each week was clear: gain insight on how others, from completely different disciplines and upbringings, translate ideas presented to them. As an economics major raised on a small farm by a single father, it was my task to understand the thought process of the pharmacy student from China, or the English major who strived to be the next great political satirist. This new understanding allowed me to communicate flawlessly with others through empathy. I not only could decipher the reasoning other students presented to me, in the way they intended, I now had the ability to provide my insights in a more inclusive, persuasive manner.


last sent - careful - not only...but/also, seems like a run-on as you have it now, and I think it brings home the why of your first three paragraphs, so nail it.

pereira6 wrote:The value of the multi-disciplined approach to thinking enlightened my approach to life. Using unique tactics to study various topics and analyzing social responses to assorted situations fascinated me, and I began doing both throughout all my hobbies and academics. One distinctive area where I utilized this methodology was in my intense appreciation for sports, and sports business. I had always been an individual who enjoyed athletics beyond the average fan, but now I had a curiosity for the deep moral implications sports had within it, and the countless disciplines that the philosophies behind athletics could relate to. I realized why sports causes powerful emotional charge in people through its symbolism; the New Orleans Saints’ first win in their home city--after being displaced by Hurricane Katrina--as a symbol for a rebirth of a unique cultural center and city is a prime example. I used my economics and statistics background to decipher optimal team lineups for the NBA, through advanced metrics study, and to judge firms’ salary spending decisions, through cost-benefit examination. Sports, as one of my strongest passions, are at the forefront of the several facets of my life that have been transformed due to my new-found, infinitely open mindset.


This is maybe your best paragraph, stylistically/etc (though I wouldn't use an em-dash, stick to en-dash's for what you are trying to communicate.
You say you are open minded quite frequently. I think this actually has the reverse effect - I start to wonder why you feel a need to emphasize this.

pereira6 wrote:Studying law is vital to my life for two reasons. First, I believe that the ability to think about concepts in diverse, multidimensional ways is critical for law, and for logical reasoning. Because I successfully employ such an approach to academics and life, I am entirely confident that my persona is perfect for the legal field. Second, the comprehensive understanding of the law and the legal markets would be supremely beneficial in my quest of multidisciplinary thinking. The law, among other benefits, would further my aptitude for interpersonal relations and social analysis—the basis for any multidisciplinary approach. In the end, I plan on proving my worth as a talented lawyer, empathetic individual, and proficient leader—attributes that are guaranteed to provide success in my future endeavors.


Vital to your life? You'll die if you don't go to law school? seems a bit panicky to me, not like a confident person ready to study law with intensity and attention.

honestly, I'd go back and find a way to focus on sports. Use a metaphor of a game you enjoyed, talk about how sports affected your interdisciplinary work, use a mythos that will be easily understandable (scoring a goal, persistence in training, learning to work together as a team). This reads to me more like you are trying to brag, except when you talk about sports which is your passion. I think you write better in general when talking about something you really love.

Thanks for reading my statement too :)

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Shooter
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Re: PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

Postby Shooter » Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:05 pm

Law school is probably not vital to your life. If it is, I really, really hope you get accepted somewhere.

Other than that, this is a pretty good statement. Just try to make it more focused and cohesive. I feel like the farm, the sports, the moving picture porn and the law don't connect the way they should. Brainstorm a theme to wrap all of these things around.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

Postby CanadianWolf » Fri Nov 12, 2010 3:08 pm

DELETE: Consider deleting the last two sentences of your essay.

Your use of modifiers is overdone. For example, "vastly intelligent", "very uncomfortable", "the brightest minds" (should be "some of the brightest minds"), "somewhat vague", "communicate flawlessly" (try "communicate well"), "unique tactics", "intense appreciation", "deep moral implications", "countless disciplines", "strongest passions" (redundant), "infinitely open", "diverse, multidimensional" (redundant), "entirely confident", "supremely beneficial" (only use this to induce vomiting), among others. These are examples of poor word choices that may lead the reader to view your essay as sloppy and a bit childish.

How does "unguarded dialogue" equate to "well spoken" and "ripe for heated arguments" ?

"...in the way they intended." How do you know this ?

Overall your personal statement is likely to raise maturity issues & to call attention to your sub-par writing skills.

pereira6
Posts: 604
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:10 pm

Re: PS Rewrite 1st draft, new (better?) topic, tear me up TLS

Postby pereira6 » Fri Nov 12, 2010 10:14 pm

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