Another Draft - Is this one ready to submit?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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aas911
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 3:42 pm

Another Draft - Is this one ready to submit?

Postby aas911 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:56 pm

Please don't quote in your response and as always I'll try to return the favor

Thanks!


Last edited by aas911 on Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: Another Draft - Is this one ready to submit?

Postby hawaii » Thu Nov 11, 2010 8:20 pm

The last sentence in your first paragraph and the first sentence in your second paragraph seem repetitive.

The second sentence of your last paragraph is missing a word. "I seek to gain..."

Your last sentence needs work. Its a fragment.

SortOfObsessed
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: Another Draft - Is this one ready to submit?

Postby SortOfObsessed » Thu Nov 11, 2010 8:28 pm

I liked the introduction paragraph because it set up a compelling scenario. However, from that point you sort of fizzled and lost my attention. I think you need to show, not tell. Can you provide any concrete examples as to how your fraternity was "transformed from something that hurt the academic success, and in fact endangered the livelihood of its members, to an organization that fostered growth and leadership among the brothers. " ? Did you guys volunteer extra? Rise in the frat GPA rankings? etc.

I feel like this is a difficult topic because there's a stigma to fraternity and sorority membership when it comes to academics. You really do need to provide evidence that you can succeed in a rigorous three year program (part of that can be done if you can show that you've somehow made a major overhaul to your organization, but you need to be specific about what impact you've had) and this topic isn't the best way to convey it. (I'm also in the Greek system and it's mostly just drinking and partying. Hardly an influence I would write about.)

There's also a couple technical things in the essay. "opportunity for restructuring & building a new organization" Typically you don't restructure AND build a new thing. You either restructure it. Or you build a new one.

Good luck!

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Another Draft - Is this one ready to submit?

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 11, 2010 9:42 pm

I agree with SortOfObessed's comments above.

The ending is weak, but does reduce somewhat the MBA direction of your essay. Overall, as I have written before, you are a strong candidate for an MBA program.

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aas911
Posts: 63
Joined: Mon May 24, 2010 3:42 pm

Re: Another Draft - Is this one ready to submit?

Postby aas911 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:03 pm

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