First Draft...please help

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

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Joined: Mon Oct 18, 2010 6:15 pm

First Draft...please help

Postby talley022 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:05 pm

Please don't hold back...

Thanks for the advice!
Last edited by talley022 on Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.


Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: First Draft...please help

Postby hawaii » Thu Nov 11, 2010 8:06 pm

I'm very sorry about what happened with your mother.

I think the story has potential but the PS needs some work.

You dedicate an entire paragraph to talking about how you had no motivation. I personally would avoid doing this but if you have to, boil it down to just one sentence.

I have been able effectively pursue my dreams and desires and everything that I have accomplished can be traced back to that event. I have taken a greater understanding on how symbolic that day is to me. I was born into a world of new perspective that day.

You don't explain HOW that day and experience have given you a new perspective. You need to show, not tell.

In your last sentence, you say that you found your purpose in life. What you fail to tell us is what that purpose is.


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Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:29 pm

Re: First Draft...please help

Postby slg123 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 9:04 pm

This essay has a lot of good information in it, but needs a lot of organizational help.

Also, I have lots of thoughts for you. Talking more about how you felt about an event and how it influenced you as opposed to describing the event could make it a lot stronger. You just need to transition into each piece. You may want to start with the anecdote about the birthday...they're not the same, right? I was a little confused as I read the first two paragraphs. Also, you talk about how your life was fine and dandy before your move, but that your mom wasn't going to let cancer get her down, so you moved. If your mom had cancer, was your life really fine and dandy? You may also consider giving the reader a little closure. How is your mom now? For adcomms, what specific qualities did you want the reader to pull out from this? that you're a man? be more specific. there are a lot of men who want to go to law school. also, what's the time frame for this? all before college? how did it impact that progression? any insights there?

hope this helps!


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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: First Draft...please help

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:00 pm

Add the word "to" to the third sentence of your final paragraph.

This is a beautifully written essay that is likely to help your applications to law schools as much as one's personal statement can do. This is precisely what admissions officers are seeking in a personal statement.
P.S. Thank you for not simply embellishing the details of your resume contained on your law school application.

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