Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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WonkyPanda
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Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

Postby WonkyPanda » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:16 pm

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Last edited by WonkyPanda on Sat Nov 13, 2010 4:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:29 pm

This is a very good personal statement although some sentence revisions are needed. For example, the sentence beginning with the word "Subsequently" is awkward. ("that ignited my interests in community college" is the awkward portion.)

Also, "I will not scowl at the difficulties life has given me..." is inappropriate in the context of this essay because life has not given you any difficulties other than the untimely death of a parent due to cancer.

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WonkyPanda
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Re: Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

Postby WonkyPanda » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:41 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:This is a very good personal statement although some sentence revisions are needed. For example, the sentence beginning with the word "Subsequently" is awkward. ("that ignited my interests in community college" is the awkward portion.)

Also, "I will not scowl at the difficulties life has given me..." is inappropriate in the context of this essay because life has not given you any difficulties other than the untimely death of a parent due to cancer.


Thanks for the input CW (can i call you that? lol)! Do you think it's focused enough on me? Before there was too much extraneous info about my brother and high school that I had to trim out. I tried to make this as lean as possible while still getting the point across.

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:44 pm

Yes, it is focused enough on you as the portions concerning your brother reflect an important influence in your life.

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Flips88
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Re: Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

Postby Flips88 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:11 pm

"I now volunteer at a domestic abuse legal clinic that helps litigants through the court process of obtaining restraining orders sharing with others my passion to grow from life’s troubles."

This sentence is awkward and difficult and definitely cut the flow for me.

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WonkyPanda
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Re: Please Critique! Go hard or soft, your call!

Postby WonkyPanda » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:16 pm

Flips88 wrote:"I now volunteer at a domestic abuse legal clinic that helps litigants through the court process of obtaining restraining orders sharing with others my passion to grow from life’s troubles."

This sentence is awkward and difficult and definitely cut the flow for me.


Thanks! Definitely a loaded sentence. I'll tweak that one then to flow a little better. How is the rest of it?




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