Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby ATR » Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:17 pm

Thanks for the input, everyone!
Last edited by ATR on Fri Nov 12, 2010 1:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby ATR » Thu Nov 11, 2010 12:53 am

Anyone? I'm serious about my offer - read and comment on my PS, and I'll do the same for yours.

ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby ATR » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:14 pm

BUMP - thekid001 took me up on my offer. Anyone else?

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2807
Posts: 578
Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby 2807 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:32 pm

Man, if I had a law school I would admit you.

Well done. I have nothing to add.

It is great.

I mean, it is really great.

clap clap clap clap

Her name was Bernie (you missed one.... heh heh)

CanadianWolf
Posts: 10439
Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby CanadianWolf » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:36 pm

You write well, but your personal statement is little more than resume embellishment without much additional insight. If this were for an application to nursing or paralegal school, then it is fine, but not for law school.

ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby ATR » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:40 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:You write well, but your personal statement is little more than resume embellishment without much additional insight. If this were for an application to nursing or paralegal school, then it is fine, but not for law school.

Thanks for the input... what should I do to fix that problem?

ATR
Posts: 1119
Joined: Sun Oct 03, 2010 9:18 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby ATR » Thu Nov 11, 2010 7:52 pm

2807 wrote:Man, if I had a law school I would admit you.

Well done. I have nothing to add.

It is great.

I mean, it is really great.

clap clap clap clap

Her name was Bernie (you missed one.... heh heh)

Thanks for the kind words... my bad on that. At least I didn't include her last name! :lol:

SortOfObsessed
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: Final Draft, Did I Miss Anything? (Read and I'll Read Yours)

Postby SortOfObsessed » Thu Nov 11, 2010 8:45 pm

I really enjoy your writing style, however, this reads like an excerpt out of a novel. I think stylistically, personal statements are supposed to be more persuasive as it's your opportunity to sell yourself to the admission's committee as a unique and valuable candidate.

That said, you should be more concise with your points since you only have 2 pages or so. This entire paragraph "Suddenly, my mind stops racing... " doesn't contribute anything. You want to trim the fat, so you can offer more valuable insight.

Additionally, "A month later, as I’m packing up to leave the office - classes have started and I’m now working part-time - I hear a knock on my door. P, B’s replacement, wants to talk about the next intervention presentation. I’m glad to answer her questions; midterms are approaching, so I appreciate her help in preparing for the upcoming site visit. Even though I’m grateful that my decreased responsibilities allow me to focus on school, I miss my summer work schedule: 35 hours a week booked solid with staff meetings, research discussions, and conference calls. Honestly, I can’t wait to get back into the work force, equipped with a world-class graduate education from LAW SCHOOL and an opportunity to improve health care from a legal standpoint." can be phrased in a total of maybe 2 sentences.

My main point: you don't need to narrate every event, you simply don't have the words to waste on that. Trim the fat, and add more insight, and you'll have a really great personal statement.




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