Diversity Statement Intro

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
mrr111
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:53 pm

Diversity Statement Intro

Postby mrr111 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:27 pm

.
Last edited by mrr111 on Tue May 08, 2012 11:26 am, edited 1 time in total.

mrr111
Posts: 31
Joined: Wed Oct 13, 2010 9:53 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Intro

Postby mrr111 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:53 pm

Anyone? Is it that bad? Say something, someone!

User avatar
Fresh
Posts: 681
Joined: Mon Jul 26, 2010 4:30 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Intro

Postby Fresh » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:55 pm

I wanted to read more so it's definitely not bad, but someone can probably help you tightening it up to enhance the rhetorical effect

bhan87
Posts: 850
Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:08 pm

Re: Diversity Statement Intro

Postby bhan87 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:03 pm

Fresh wrote:I wanted to read more so it's definitely not bad, but someone can probably help you tightening it up to enhance the rhetorical effect


I agree. The wording can be tightened up quite a bit.

My sisters and I often speculated about our dad’s sexuality. I vividly remember talking to my older sister on the phone, and she told me that she “knew” dad was gay. She said that she found a book in his closet about how to come out of the closet.


"I vividly remembered when my older sister told me she had found a book about coming out of the closet." seems to convey the same meaning and is much more concise

At the time, I was 13 and living a thousand miles away.


Don't know if this is necessary.

I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. I just knew that she was right, whether he has said it himself or not. A little over a year later, and with hesitation, he said the simple words, “You know what mine and ______ living situation is?” And with that, although already suspecting it for years, my world was changed.


"Even without him saying so, I just knew she was right. A little over a year later he said, with some hesitation, the simple words, “You know what mine and ______ living situation is?”, and my world was changed".


Just some thoughts. I like the idea of the opening, but cut it down a bit.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.