(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
4 posts • Page 1 of 1
- Posts: 850
- Joined: Mon Mar 12, 2007 8:08 pm
Fresh wrote:I wanted to read more so it's definitely not bad, but someone can probably help you tightening it up to enhance the rhetorical effect
I agree. The wording can be tightened up quite a bit.
My sisters and I often speculated about our dad’s sexuality. I vividly remember talking to my older sister on the phone, and she told me that she “knew” dad was gay. She said that she found a book in his closet about how to come out of the closet.
"I vividly remembered when my older sister told me she had found a book about coming out of the closet." seems to convey the same meaning and is much more concise
At the time, I was 13 and living a thousand miles away.
Don't know if this is necessary.
I didn’t know what to think or how to feel. I just knew that she was right, whether he has said it himself or not. A little over a year later, and with hesitation, he said the simple words, “You know what mine and ______ living situation is?” And with that, although already suspecting it for years, my world was changed.
"Even without him saying so, I just knew she was right. A little over a year later he said, with some hesitation, the simple words, “You know what mine and ______ living situation is?”, and my world was changed".
Just some thoughts. I like the idea of the opening, but cut it down a bit.
Who is online
The online users are hidden on this forum.