Personal Statement Help!! (2nd draft)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Personal Statement Help!! (2nd draft)

Postby azizi » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:07 pm

Thanks for your comments!
Last edited by azizi on Fri Nov 12, 2010 6:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Personal Statement Help!! (2nd draft)

Postby skers » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:10 pm

I didn't really read any of it, but please take out the poem. It's better served on the back of a Widespread Panic t-shirt.

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Re: Personal Statement Help!! (2nd draft)

Postby bhan87 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 3:48 pm

Agree with taking out the poem. It'll probably be frowned on.

I decided to attend University of _______ in the fall of 2008 as a transfer student. My college career has been a time in which I achieved enormous personal growth through relationships with professors, mentors, counselors, peers, co-workers, and community members. It was also a journey of self-discovery for being an Iranian-American during hostile times between the two countries.

What type of growth? Examples of how some of these people impacted you? How does that apply to being a good lawyer? The beginning portion is pretty descriptive, but you teeter off to generalizations by the end. I get a good sense of the struggles you had when you first came to America, but what about the struggles during college.

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Re: Personal Statement Help!! (2nd draft)

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:47 pm

Change has been the one constant in my life that while revealing a range of personal limits has widened my eye to the blessing of numerous opportunities. Until I was ten years old, I grew up in Tehran. My life in Iran was protected, full of laughter, and packed with family gatherings. The biggest change was when I discovered how sheltered I was when my mother came into my room one day and told me to pack everything that I could. When I asked why, she explained to me that life in Tehran has become dangerous for our family.

I would start right off with a more vivid description of your mother barging into your room when you were 10 and telling you to pack. What were you doing at the time and how did you feel? That would be a great hook, much better than some navel-gazing cliche about personal limits. You can certainly use change as the overall theme, but with an incredibly dramatic event like that at your disposal, you'd be nuts not to use it to grab the reader's attention first, instead of stating basically "Dear Adcomms: The theme of this PS is going to be 'change'. Here we go."

Coming to the United States, I faced a new set of challenges. Initially, the English language was unbearable to learn. Reading and writing from left to right instead of right to left as it is in Farsi, was a concept that was at first difficult to grasp. My set of limitations and my burning desire to succeed became a winning formula engraved in me at a young age.

I don't particularly like any of this, except for the reading L/R part. By all means say that learning English was hard, but the rest sounds arrogant and a little snotty.

During the day, I would spend my time discovering the American culture and expressing myself to my Middle School classmates through words, sounds and hand gestures. In class, I copied the class notes by carefully “drawing” the English letters one by one into a notebook as if they were characters out of my favorite comic book. I spent my nights looking up the words out of the English-Farsi dictionary for meaning, and rehearsed what I was going to say to my teacher and classmates the next day: “Alex, I like the sneakers that you bought earlier this week- are they Nike?”

This is great. It's always better to show than to tell. This 'shows' what you tried to 'tell' just before it. Your determination and desire to learn and succeed comes through very clearly without needing to explicitly mention them, and it's endearing where the previous quote was off-putting.

My college career has been a time in which I achieved enormous personal growth through relationships with professors, mentors, counselors, peers, co-workers, and community members.

Again with the List of Why I Am So Awesome. Bleh.

The poem is uneccessary.

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