I need help with my conclusion

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hawaii
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I need help with my conclusion

Postby hawaii » Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:54 am

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Last edited by hawaii on Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:56 am, edited 2 times in total.

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crysmissmichelle
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby crysmissmichelle » Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:31 am

I think this is an improvement on the last version. In the closing, I do not think it feels "trite." The only change I would make is to remove the "because" connecting the thoughts in the last sentence and make them two separate sentences. For some reason, that change makes it more matter of fact--to me--and adds emphasis to the last sentence which is really the point of the whole essay.

Saltqjibo
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby Saltqjibo » Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:37 am

I agree that your conclusion is not the best. but I really like the rest of it!

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plenipotentiary
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:47 am

I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.

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crysmissmichelle
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby crysmissmichelle » Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:55 am

plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.


I felt the same way, but my husband is Muslim, so I thought I was just being too touchy. . . I think plenipotentiary is right.

hawaii
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby hawaii » Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:13 am

plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.


I agree. Part of the reason I even started talking about my religion was because the second I said I wasn't Muslim, people stopped listening and I didn't like the idea that they walked away still equating Islam with something bad.

Would it make sense to include this after my sentence about the difference between sikhs and muslims?

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plenipotentiary
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:19 am

hawaii wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.


I agree. Part of the reason I even started talking about my religion was because the second I said I wasn't Muslim, people stopped listening and I didn't like the idea that they walked away still equating Islam with something bad.

Would it make sense to include this after my sentence about the difference between sikhs and muslims?


Yeah, that would be the place for it.

CanadianWolf
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby CanadianWolf » Wed Nov 10, 2010 11:57 am

Your writing in the original post starting this thread is excellent.

hawaii
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby hawaii » Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:04 pm

CanadianWolf wrote:Your writing in the original post starting this thread is excellent.


I can't tell if you're being sincere or sarcastic. :?

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3|ink
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby 3|ink » Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:34 pm

hawaii wrote:
CanadianWolf wrote:Your writing in the original post starting this thread is excellent.


I can't tell if you're being sincere or sarcastic. :?


I think it's fantastic too, and I'm being serious.

hawaii
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Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby hawaii » Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:09 pm

Thanks for all the feedback guys but I still need help with my conclusion! anyone have any thoughts on how I can make it better?

hawaii
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Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: I need help with my conclusion

Postby hawaii » Thu Nov 11, 2010 1:04 pm

plenipotentiary wrote:
hawaii wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:I think you need a sentence/disclaimer explaining that even if you had been Muslim, you wouldn't have deserved the bullshit treatment you got from your peers. The problem isn't ONLY that you were being confused with members of another group.


I agree. Part of the reason I even started talking about my religion was because the second I said I wasn't Muslim, people stopped listening and I didn't like the idea that they walked away still equating Islam with something bad.

Would it make sense to include this after my sentence about the difference between sikhs and muslims?


Yeah, that would be the place for it.


I've made the change in my original post. Any other suggestions?




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