Third Draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
skyisthelimit1
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:56 pm

Third Draft

Postby skyisthelimit1 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 12:18 am

This is the third draft of my personal statement and I think it speaks to why I'm applying to Marquette Law School. I do feel that at times it's a narrative of my resume, an obvious "no-no," but I almost feel like including that information is critical to the goal of my PS for this particular school. I'm about to begin restructuring my personal statements for other law schools, but could someone please give some feedback on this version?

I appreciate all of your help!

Following my frehman year of high school I decided not to play for my school’s basketball team in order to work as a National Basketball Association (NBA) team attendant in the locker room of the Milwaukee Bucks. My friends and co-workers saw the position with the Bucks as a great way to spend a Friday night, but for me it served a higher purpose, it ignited my desire to have a career in professional sports.

During my spare time at work with the Bucks I formed friendships with members of the front office and began to foster healthy relationships. Through this informal discourse and by observing these professionals interact with one another, I quickly developed an ability to communicate with members of the team’s management team in a professional manner.

I wanted to undertake more responsibility within the professional sports field. Utilizing my own initiative I was able to express my deep interest in gaining experience through a phone call to the vice president of the Milwaukee Brewers, Rick Schlesinger, and the team’s vice president of marketing, Tom Hecht. After several interviews, the team invited me to serve as a marketing intern for the 2006 season, a position that attracts hundreds of college applicants each year. Gaining this position helped me to understand that with self-determination and hard work I could accomplish anything. Unlike my friends and classmates, I devoted almost all of my free time in pursuit of my goal to gain experience in every facet of the professional sports industry. These positions, often unpaid as they were, left many people relying heavily on my presence and performance. I developed a comprehensive understanding of responsibility and dedication at an early age.

As I continued my studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s School of Journalism, I also worked in the university’s athletic communications office. At the same time, in the fall semester of my junior year I became fascinated with the content in my mass communications law course. One reason I felt so engaged in the course was the nature of the required work. Not only could I utilize my writing abilities, which had been strengthened and refined through my communications positions, but I also experienced a constant intellectual stimulation that was both challenging and rewarding.

After successfully completing the course and at only 20 years of age, I found myself at a crossroads. Although I gained a lot of valuable experience in marketing and communications, I felt unsatisfied completing the type of work these positions required. However, I still desired a career in professional sports. Following a period of reflection, I decided that I wanted to attend law school.

Through my law course, I understand that I truly enjoy the nature of legal work. The skills and abilities I have honed through my professional experiences and educational background in journalism will facilitate me to become a successful law student. I realize that positions in the professional sports industry are highly competitive, but I believe Marquette’s Sports Law Program and the sound, local relationships I have forged will help fuel my entryway.

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rinkrat19
Posts: 13910
Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am

Re: Third Draft

Postby rinkrat19 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 1:20 am

Right now it absolutely is just a rehash of a resume. It's very impersonal and teaches the adcomms nothing about you as an individual, and hardly anything that they can't get in bullet point form from your resume.

It needs less "I did [X], then [Y], then [Z]" and more "I did [X], and in doing so, learned [A]. Doing [Y] changed me in some way [B]. I enjoyed [Z] so much that it inspired me to aim for a career in [C]. And I discovered that my personality quirk [D] well-suited me for [Q]." Put some personality into it!

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: Third Draft

Postby Saltqjibo » Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:46 am

Utilizing my own initiative


this should not make the fourth draft.

I also think a PS like this won't help or hurt you. Its a little boring, a bit of a resume rehash, but its honestly talking about what you've been up to and why you want to study law. Which I think has a bit more value than some of the "i want to help the ppls" statements

skyisthelimit1
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:56 pm

Re: Third Draft

Postby skyisthelimit1 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 4:15 pm

Thanks for the comments. Any one have any other insights?

lawnerd1
Posts: 44
Joined: Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:23 pm

Re: Third Draft

Postby lawnerd1 » Wed Nov 10, 2010 10:57 pm

I'm a numbers guy so I'm not entirely sure, but I believe the comma after "purpose" and before "it ignited" in the opening paragraph should be a semicolon.

"...communicate with members of the team's management team..." - I'd change that second team or remove it entirely.

"Utilizing my own initiative" to get a phone call with the VP and ask for an internship? Don't lie, but I would try and make it seem you "had the drive to seek out and speak with so and so and showcase my passion for whatever".

Explain what intellectual challenge you felt with your mass com law course.

Final paragraph. You've taken a single class on law (so it seems from the PS). You don't "understand" that you "enjoy the nature of legal work". I hope this class made you go through all the minutiae you're about to go through for the next 3 years.

More interesting PS than others. I enjoyed the sports aspect of it and you come across as a hard worker that attains what you desire.

skyisthelimit1
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:56 pm

Re: Third Draft

Postby skyisthelimit1 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:02 pm

^ Good points. Thanks!

skyisthelimit1
Posts: 9
Joined: Sun Jul 25, 2010 11:56 pm

Re: Third Draft

Postby skyisthelimit1 » Thu Nov 11, 2010 5:08 pm

Additionally, below is a revised version of my Marquette PS and a more general one that I'll send to all other schools (DePaul, Loyola Chicago)

1 - Following my freshman year of high school I decided not to play for my school’s basketball team in order to work as a National Basketball Association (NBA) team attendant in the locker room of the Milwaukee Bucks. My friends and co-workers saw the position with the Bucks as a great way to spend a Friday night, but for me it served a higher purpose, it ignited my desire to have a career in professional sports.

During my spare time at work with the Bucks I formed friendships with members of the front office and began to foster healthy relationships. Through this informal discourse and by observing these professionals interact with one another, I quickly developed an ability to communicate with members of the team’s management in a professional manner.

I wanted to undertake more responsibility within the professional sports field. Through my own initiative I was able to express my deep interest in gaining experience through a phone call to the vice president of the Milwaukee Brewers, Rick Schlesinger, and the team’s vice president of marketing, Tom Hecht. After several interviews, the team invited me to serve as a marketing intern for the 2006 season, a position that attracts hundreds of college applicants each year. Gaining this position helped me to understand that with self-determination and hard work I could accomplish anything. Unlike my friends and classmates, I devoted almost all of my free time in pursuit of my goal to gain experience in every facet of the professional sports industry. These positions, often unpaid as they were, left many people relying heavily on my presence and performance. I developed a comprehensive understanding of responsibility and dedication at an early age.

As I continued my studies at the University of Wisconsin-Madison’s School of Journalism, I also worked in the university’s athletic communications office. At the same time, in the fall semester of my junior year I became fascinated with the content in my mass communications law course. One reason I felt so engaged in the course was the nature of the required work. Not only could I utilize my writing abilities, which had been strengthened and refined through my communications positions, but I also experienced a constant intellectual stimulation that was both challenging and rewarding.

After successfully completing the course and at only 20 years of age, I found myself at a crossroads. Although I gained a lot of valuable experience in marketing and communications, I felt unsatisfied completing the type of work these positions required. However, I still desired a career in professional sports. Following a period of reflection, I decided that I wanted to attend law school.

Through my law course, I understand that I truly enjoy the material and nature of the required work. The skills and abilities I have honed through my professional experiences and educational background in journalism will facilitate me to become a successful law student. I realize that positions in the professional sports industry are highly competitive, but I believe Marquette’s Sports Law Program and the sound, local relationships I have forged will help fuel my entryway.


_________________________________________________


2 - Following my freshman year of high school I decided not to play for my school’s basketball team in order to work as a National Basketball Association (NBA) team attendant in the locker room of the Milwaukee Bucks. My friends and co-workers saw the position with the Bucks as a great way to spend a Friday night, but for me it served a higher purpose, it ignited my desire to have a career in professional sports.

Over the next five years I would acquire employment in several positions that propelled me toward my goal. Although I attended Arizona State University (ASU) during my freshmen year, I did so not only because of the prestigious Cronkite School of Journalism, nor the notion of wearing sandals in December. Rather, I believed that because half of the teams in Major League Baseball made Arizona their home for spring training, it provided a ripe environment to gain further experience within the industry. Although I worked for the Milwaukee Brewers and the prospect of future opportunities reinforced the logic that induced me to attend ASU, the school’s overall weak academic culture and vast distance from my Milwaukee home proved too excessive.

I transferred to the University of Wisconsin-Madison where I knew I would encounter the more rigorous academic setting that I desired. However, more importantly to me at the time, I could pursue my goal by working for the university’s prominent Big Ten athletics program. Certainly I put forth a concerted effort toward my schoolwork, but I directed the majority of my time and abilities working for Wisconsin’s Athletic Communications department.

Aside from learning technical skills, the most fascinating aspect of my journalism major involves understanding the implications mass media has on every day life in society. I decided to enroll in a law of mass communications course because I was interested in the legal components associated with the media. I became enthralled with the content of the course because of the nature of the required work. Not only could I utilize my writing abilities, which had been strengthened and refined through my communications positions, but I also experienced a constant intellectual stimulation that was both challenging and rewarding.

After successfully completing the course and at only 20 years of age, I found myself at a crossroads. Although I gained a lot of valuable experience in marketing and communications, I felt unsatisfied completing the type of work these positions required. Following a period of careful deliberation, I decided that I wanted to attend law school because of my affinity for its content and work.

Some may view my prior experiences as inapplicable to law school but with each position I gained valuable skills that I am certain will facilitate me to be a successful law student. These positions, often unpaid as they were, left many people relying heavily on my presence and performance. I developed a comprehensive understanding of responsibility and dedication at an early age. This mentality enables me to continuously strive toward the next plateau with hopes of achieving excellence and nothing less.


Thanks for any input!




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