Third Draft: Going the right direction?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jets098
Posts: 91
Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:26 pm

Third Draft: Going the right direction?

Postby jets098 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 7:35 pm

edit
Last edited by jets098 on Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: Third Draft: Going the right direction?

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:05 pm

Gut reaction: this is neither a help nor hurt statement. I don't really buy that managing diabetes means you have what it takes for law school, but then there are many personal statements that I have also seen that are much more unconvincing. hmm, i'm trying to think what could improve it and the thing that stands out to me most is maybe that you're trying to sell it too hard. for instance:

From that day forward my life has been a constant education


really? a constant education, there aren't times when you're just watching television or something?

The unknown I continue to face to this very day is like a puzzle with a never-ending amount of pieces.


I don't mean to belittle, but one of my closest friends has type 1 diabetes, and I would be shocked to hear him talk about it that way. He mostly just checks his blood sugar and adjusts when necessary. Maybe he just keeps that to himself though.

I think you might be better off taking a more nuanced approach, showing that you are able to manage your chronic condition and put it in perspective, and that it has caused you to reexamine yourself and your life.

jets098
Posts: 91
Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:26 pm

Re: Third Draft: Going the right direction?

Postby jets098 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:00 pm

Saltqjibo wrote:Gut reaction: this is neither a help nor hurt statement. I don't really buy that managing diabetes means you have what it takes for law school, but then there are many personal statements that I have also seen that are much more unconvincing. hmm, i'm trying to think what could improve it and the thing that stands out to me most is maybe that you're trying to sell it too hard. for instance:

From that day forward my life has been a constant education


really? a constant education, there aren't times when you're just watching television or something?

The unknown I continue to face to this very day is like a puzzle with a never-ending amount of pieces.


I don't mean to belittle, but one of my closest friends has type 1 diabetes, and I would be shocked to hear him talk about it that way. He mostly just checks his blood sugar and adjusts when necessary. Maybe he just keeps that to himself though.

I think you might be better off taking a more nuanced approach, showing that you are able to manage your chronic condition and put it in perspective, and that it has caused you to reexamine yourself and your life.


Thanks for the input. The "constant education" wasn't really meant to be taken so literally. What I mean is that the learning process is fluid and is something that can never stop.

The reason I say that it has a "never-ending" amount of pieces is that the main thing that goes into diabetes control is managing what you eat. Given that most of us eat 3-4 times a day and consume different foods all the time it is something that you always have to be aware of. Also, small things like walking to class, exercising and other activities can play a major role in managing blood sugars.

I understand where you are saying it seems a little like I'm trying to sell it and I can definitely see why you say that. I wrote a statement before that went through the whole "made me reexamine my life" thing and it seemed very general, cliche,and bland so I decided to go a little more detailed and dramatized this time. Thank you very much for your input and I will definitely take it under consideration as I continue to tweak this.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: Third Draft: Going the right direction?

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:13 pm

I actually think that you could rework this to talk about how it gave you a new perspective on health, mortality or the fragility of life or something. Maybe talk about how it made you realize that life is a constant process of learning and adjusting and being vigilant to potential problems. I guess I'm trying to say that I don't think the topic is necessarily bad, but just that your trying to take it into the formulaic, "this has been really hard, I learned a lot, therefore I can study law" route.

I think it would be a lot more powerful if you looked at specifically, honestly how it made you feel. I'm sure you don't wake up everyday going "i'm going to learn something new about my illness" but rather it might be more sort of a general constant awareness and monitoring. I think if you try to capture what its actually like with a bit less hyperbole it might come across as more honest, and adcomms at least say that is what they look for.

Of course I could also be full of shit because I really have no idea what it is actually like to deal with diabetes.




Return to “Law School Personal Statements”

Who is online

The online users are hidden on this forum.