Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Gotti
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Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby Gotti » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:13 pm

***edited again*** 11/16/10
Is this any better? Any more advice? I'd really appreciate it! I wanted to send my apps in ASAP. Thanks!



Hi...First time poster but I've been reading TLS for a while.

Any help would be much appreciated...I know it's a little long (a little less than 3 pgs double spaced and 11pt font) but it's my first draft so if you have suggestions on where to cut content, please share. It's really personal to me but I don't know if it's good at all and it's the first PS i've written. Be gentle?

My stats:
LSAT: 163, 164
GPA: 3.95


..
Last edited by Gotti on Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:07 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Saltqjibo
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:53 pm

This is an emotional PS, but i'll try to help out with a few things I noticed.
first: was the accident caused by your mother driving drunk or other obvious negligence? as a reader I feel like this is a key piece of information that is missing. If it was, I understand your anger much more clearly, if it wasn't I'm not entirely sure why she is to blame (and in that case I don't understand the anger as much) -- not trying to be personal, just what comes to mind as a reader

second: While you certainly want to talk about your depression and anger if your mother is the focus of the PS, i don't think you need to take us so much into that world. Especially the cutting (as the number of teenaged girls who engage in that behavior is actually surprisingly high). We just need to know that you were in a dark place but you got out (the more you can actually distance yourself from your depression while still communicating the effect it had on your life, the better)

third: You need to focus more on the positive. take us into how great you have been doing over the last few years rather than to how far you had fallen.

overall, I think you're on a good track as that certainly had a huge impact on your life and how you see the world. Give it a few days, read it over, and see what you might want to change.

Also, its long which means you can cut and streamline it which would be helpful. If you find on subsequent rereads you dont like something than just cut it out

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Gotti
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby Gotti » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:31 am

Bump...I edited the statement. Is it any better? I know it's still long, but I'd really like to get my apps in by the end of this week, and I'd REALLY appreciate your guys' comments!

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northwood
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby northwood » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:42 am

its still long, but its very powerful and emotional. I would shortent he part about your mothers depression in the very beginning, and start with the part about the accident. ( use the background info as a second paragraph). You have shown a lot of negative emotions, which overwhelm your essay. Try to balance this with some more positives. Do more showing about how you excelled in school, especially ug, and within your major. Have you done clinicla work, or research? If so, that would help demonstrate how you have taken this horrible incident and turned it into a success story ( if you havent, your story is still a success story). You have overcome a lot, and it shows. I just think its still a bit on the dark side.

if you want me to take a further look into your future draft, pm me and ill be more specific.

elm84dr
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby elm84dr » Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:45 am

....Glad I could HELP!
Last edited by elm84dr on Tue Nov 23, 2010 5:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Gotti
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby Gotti » Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:19 pm

Thanks guys, I appreciate the input. I'm gonna edit and I'll post the future draft in a few days. Thanks again!

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2807
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby 2807 » Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:41 pm

" I sat in my room one night after a fight with my father, when a shocking realization hit me like a ton of bricks: I was exactly like her. Like my mother, I blamed everyone but myself for my problems, I was angry at everything, and I acted as if everyone—including my loving father—was put on this earth to hurt me. It was this revelation that jolted me back to reality and changed my life."

To me, this is the "S" part of the PS. I would keep in mind that throughout this entire compelling essay, THIS is the climactic point that you lead up to and then rely on.

So, as you craft every sentence in this 2 page double spaced exercise, think to yourself how a sentence links to your statement. If you have other examples that suffice to relay the point at issue, you may not choose to use precious space with more of the same.

Your PS is great. You have a compelling story and a very good writing style. I saw a ruff transition into the car crash phone call, and a few sentences that were overly-flowery where a direct statement would be stronger. But, that stuff is minimal and just my opinion. Overall, its a very good job... just long, and a little loose on the focus to the actual statement.

Edit it, and bring it back so that you can get a final review of what will really make the cut.

Consider moving that actual statement way up front and leading off with it. It will set the tone for the metamorphosis that is your young life. Sad for you, but great job !

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Gotti
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Re: Personal Statement - I have no idea if this is good

Postby Gotti » Wed Nov 17, 2010 3:54 am

Bump again..

Hi guys, thanks for everyone who has been helping me out...your input has definitely made me drastically change my PS.

I edited it again (see original post for edit), hopefully I'm getting closer to the final cut. I took all your comments into consideration and made it more positive and less redundant (I think?). Could you guys could take a look at it again and tell me what you think?

It's 2 pages exactly with 11pt Garamond and 1" margins. The only school I think I have to cut it down for EVEN MORE is UCLA (requires 12pt font 2 pages max), so if this version is good, I can keep it for everywhere else and use an even more condensed version for UCLA. Let me know what you guys think and again, THANKS for all the great input!!


oh btw I attempted (key word) to develop a theme and I used these sentences to tie the paragraphs together:

- last sentence of paragraph 4: "I was tangled in a web of her self-fulfilling prophecy: I was never good enough, and she never afforded me a chance to prove otherwise."
- last sentence of paragraph 6: "I proved to myself that I was good enough, regardless of what my mother thought."
- and the last sentence of the essay: "All I ask from you is the chance to prove it."

is this apparent & does it flow well or is it too cheesy? Any opinions would be great. Thanks

eve2490
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.

Postby eve2490 » Fri Nov 19, 2010 4:33 am

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