Please Critique my DS

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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gbpackerbacker
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Please Critique my DS

Postby gbpackerbacker » Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:27 pm

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Last edited by gbpackerbacker on Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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gbpackerbacker
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Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby gbpackerbacker » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:07 pm

22 views and not one response?

bump.

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gbpackerbacker
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Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby gbpackerbacker » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:42 pm

bump

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:03 pm

CONSIDER:
Condensing your DS & focusing on positives that resulted from your hardships.
Last edited by CanadianWolf on Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.

slg123
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:29 pm

Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby slg123 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:05 pm

I don't understand this:

I was returned to my mom’s house because the courts perceived our dad to be abusive. While living with her in high school, I suffered from depression and had an approximately 2.5 GPA. Luckily I moved in with my father junior year and my grades began to rise to just over a 3.0 GPA.

Was your dad abusive or not?
I suppose I would like more information. How were you neglected and emotionally abused? And why? What kind of things did you have to do in order to take care of yourself? What shortcomings of the legal system have you witnessed? Being placed with your mom because your dad was abusive when he wasn't?

Flesh it out a bit. Maybe someone else on here can attest to whether or not you should reference your personal statement. It feels a little like you're writing an addendum for your life instead of showing us how you'll bring color to the incoming class.

SortOfObsessed
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Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby SortOfObsessed » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:10 pm

Your diversity statement should be well written, in a similar style to your personal statement. Your writing style here would detract from your overall application for the following reasons

1) it is not well written
2) it's a pity party

I also wrote one about overcoming adversity and you have to tread a very delicate line between selling yourself as a diverse individual, and NOT coming off as though you're attempting to get them to pity you.

I recommend that you use more matter-of-fact language and focus on what you can contribute in more concrete terms. You also don't need to provide details like "I had never studied before OU", etc. because that detracts from your claim that you'll enhance the learning environment. Also, do not explicitly state "I will enhance the learning environment" because that's a bold claim. Enhance is too strong of a word.

My recommendation is that you focus on your family history, and cut out anything to do with your difficulties in College.

Rework and resubmit, or scrap it altogether. As it stands this will only hurt your application.

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gbpackerbacker
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Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby gbpackerbacker » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:30 pm

I am just going to nix it. Thank you for your help.

CanadianWolf
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Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm

Re: Please Critique my DS

Postby CanadianWolf » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:34 pm

That's a foolish decision, in my opinion. This is an excellent opportunity to distinguish yourself from other applicants in a very positive & compelling fashion.




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