Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

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ScrabbleChamp
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Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

Postby ScrabbleChamp » Tue Nov 09, 2010 11:49 am

This is for CU-Boulder, obviously. I have edited the first draft and re-posted the new copy here. Please let me know if this attempt is any good.

For better or worse, I have had a great deal of experiences in my life that have been formative. I was orphaned at age 6 when my mother was killed by a drunk driver; my father died before I was born. I was raised by my grandmother, who neither wanted nor expected to raise me, in a low-income household. I am a proud veteran that served in the United States Marine Corps and was honorably discharged due to an injury for which I have had several surgeries since. All of these experiences have had a profound effect on me. The most profound experience, however, was becoming a father. Becoming a father has helped bring clarity to my goals and has given me the extra motivating force I need to pursue my dreams.
When I was single and had no children, my life was all about me and what I wanted to do. Of course, when you ask a single man what he wants out of life, the response is almost unequivocally short-sighted and often times ridiculous. I had grandiose ideas of what I was going to do later in life, but I never thought about how to bring to fruition those ideas and I am pretty sure I did not care, either. I was blissfully ignorant and loving every minute of it. I would hear stories of social injustice on the news that would bother me, but then I would realize I was late for a hiking trip and I would forget all about them. Then, I got married and had kids.
I knew my life would change when I found out my wife and I were going to have a baby. I could not have imagined, though, how my life would change. Almost immediately after my first child was born, I felt as if I were a whole new person with completely different priorities. My life changed, inexplicably, the minute I was able to hold my daughter for the first time. It was as if my life flashed before my eyes and I realized my life was no longer about me or my wife, it was about my family, my daughter. Just a short 13 months later, the sense of change only became stronger when my son was born.
After my children were born, when I heard stories of social injustice on the news, I no longer forgot about them. I began to ask myself how I would react if it were my child that was wronged. I realized how important it was for me to ensure my children grow up in a safe, fair environment that would not prevent them from succeeding due to circumstances beyond their control. I began wishing I had the knowledge and abilities to help the victims in the stories I would hear. It helped me realize that, although I did not have the knowledge and abilities at the time, there was nothing stopping me from obtaining the knowledge and abilities necessary to help others.
I decided to enroll in an undergraduate degree program so that I would be able to apply to law school upon completion of the program. I started my degree program a few months after my daughter was born and I will be finished in June of 2011. I have been working full-time for the entirety of my degree program, frequently working well over 40 hours per week. I will graduate in less than 3 years. My children have given me a focus and determination I did not know I had. They are the motivating force behind me and I can accomplish anything with them on my side. The character my children have revealed in me is a gift.
I am a non-traditional student in every way: I am quite a few years older than the average student, I am married with children, I am working full-time while finishing my undergraduate degree, and I believe I am much more focused on what is important than most. I believe I can positively contribute to the CU Law community because I have a broad range of experience that most do not and I am very willing to help others as much as I can. I love the state of Colorado and I want to raise my family there as a productive member of the community. I know that a law degree from CU Law will enable me to help others as best I can and raise my family in a manner they deserve.
Last edited by ScrabbleChamp on Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

Postby plenipotentiary » Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:06 pm

Cut the cliches ("new lease on life", "kick it into gear", "take my show on the road"). Write a new introduction, using full sentences. Cut the stuff about your wife, because it's not about your kids, and your personal statement shouldn't be about your romantic life. Maybe talk more about why law is part of your plan.

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sophia.olive
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Re: Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

Postby sophia.olive » Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:17 pm

plenipotentiary wrote:Cut the cliches ("new lease on life", "kick it into gear", "take my show on the road"). Write a new introduction, using full sentences. Cut the stuff about your wife, because it's not about your kids, and your personal statement shouldn't be about your romantic life. Maybe talk more about why law is part of your plan.


......and the rest. Narrow down the topic.

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ScrabbleChamp
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Re: Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

Postby ScrabbleChamp » Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:40 pm

Advice taken into consideration. Updated statement posted.

slg123
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Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:29 pm

Re: Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

Postby slg123 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:17 pm

I don't feel like you need to open with why you chose to write about your family instead of the other experiences you've had. Instead, try opening by painting a picture of that first moment you laid eyes on your newborn baby girl or something related to your children.
Also, you say you changed, but the only example you give us is the idea of hearing stories and thinking about them in the context of your children. If your fervor for school changed, you did not show us your lack of motivation prior to the birth of your children.
One last thing: you may want to talk about yourself more positively. I'm left thinking that you were probably irresponsible in having children considering how immature you were... I doubt that was the case, but it comes off a little that way. Food for thought.

Hope this helps!

admisionquestion
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Joined: Sun Sep 26, 2010 12:16 am

Re: Is this any good, or is it garbage? I have no clue.

Postby admisionquestion » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:34 pm

The first sentence must be changed!




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