very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

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anthony1104
Posts: 16
Joined: Fri Oct 22, 2010 3:23 am

very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

Postby anthony1104 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 3:04 am

DIVERSITY STATEMENT

After a gruesome six hour trip, I stood nervously with three overweight luggage by my side. I was the first student to arrive at Hampshire College on the day of the orientation. As a Korean-American from Los Angeles, diversity was an important consideration for me in choosing a college. Consequently, when I found out how highly diversity is valued at Hampshire College, I left Los Angeles and came to Amherst, MA to participate in Hampshire’s alternative curriculums. I waited patiently for my classmates to arrive, but in the middle of signing several documents, I realized that there were hardly any Asian-Americans in my class.

That night I attended a meeting hosted by the multi-cultural center and I was told that there were no more than 80 Asians at Hampshire College, including the international students. From my perspective, the lack of diversity was apparent and I was disappointed at the administration for not truly understanding the meaning of diversity. Luckily, I was able to make it to the basketball team and although I was the only Asian American as usual, I felt very much at home because my difference was appreciated by my teammates. Then, at some time in the fall, after participating in student organizations and affinity groups I realized that Hampshire’s commitment to diversity has been more than just about race and ethnicity.

There weren’t many Asian Americans on the campus, but because of the alternative curriculum system, everyone in the school had a wealth of experiences and a variety of viewpoints on numerous fields of study. Moreover, students from all backgrounds were eager to listen to my research project and willing to approach me with different opinions. My experience at Hampshire College has been rough at times, but I enjoyed it because it gave me an opportunity to interact with people in a dynamic environment. It also gave me a noteworthy perspective on diversity. I learned that diversity is not about being different, but approaching the differences, and having the urge and the capability to learn from those differences.

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

Postby Saltqjibo » Tue Nov 09, 2010 5:59 pm

Not to be harsh, but this doesn't really say much except:

I thought that New Hampshire had a commitment to racial diversity. Turns out they actually had a commitment to intellectual diversity.

- you also use the word diversity like 10 times

I'm sure it would be fine, but I also don't feel like it is going to add that much to your app.

SortOfObsessed
Posts: 87
Joined: Thu Jul 01, 2010 4:53 pm

Re: very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

Postby SortOfObsessed » Tue Nov 09, 2010 11:29 pm

Saltqjibo wrote:Not to be harsh, but this doesn't really say much except:

I thought that New Hampshire had a commitment to racial diversity. Turns out they actually had a commitment to intellectual diversity.

- you also use the word diversity like 10 times

I'm sure it would be fine, but I also don't feel like it is going to add that much to your app.


Completely agree with above poster.

This DS will only detract from your application. Basic gist of your D.S. "The number of asians in NH was lower than I was expecting. Luckily you can define diversity in many ways."

I think if you want to focus on diversity, maybe write about your "alternative education" program at this college? that sounds like something unique to you that you can spin into a D.S.

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yngblkgifted
Posts: 1049
Joined: Sun Apr 25, 2010 8:57 pm

Re: very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

Postby yngblkgifted » Wed Nov 10, 2010 8:25 pm

After reading your post, I remembered a similar story about an Asian guy on a basketball team, and I creeped on your past posts and found out you are the same poster. If I were you, I would stick to the basketball theme you originally had- much more interesting than this and it has a lot of potential to come across as a unique perspective. I'm sure many people have gotten to a school and realized that it was not as "diverse" as they expected. BUT, I would assume very few people were Asian American starters on an American college basketball team. I'm not even just talking about law school candidates...I am talking about people in general. I am sure the adcomms would love to hear what that experience taught you about diversity and how it has changed your perception of the world around you. Just my 2 cents! Good Luck!

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MarkRenton
Posts: 420
Joined: Thu Jan 07, 2010 12:54 pm

Re: very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

Postby MarkRenton » Wed Nov 10, 2010 8:30 pm

I also don't like the hyperbole. "Grueling six hour trip" - let's not over exagerate here. You flew on a plane. Three oversized bags? Get a cart. Remember, other applicants might be using the word "grueling" to explain an actual hardship. I'd avoid this topic all together.

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capitalacq
Posts: 639
Joined: Thu Feb 05, 2009 2:42 am

Re: very first DS, i would appreciate some feedback

Postby capitalacq » Wed Nov 10, 2010 8:47 pm

I do edit to make it more liking to law school:


After gruesome six hours travel, I stand nervously with three overweight luggage at side. I first student to arrive at Hampshire College on day of the orientation. As a Korean-American from Los Angeles, diversity was an consideration important for me in choosing college. Consequentially, when I find out how highly diversity is valued at Hampshire College, I leave Los Angeles and come to Amherst, MA to participate in Hampshire’s alternative curriculums. I waited patiently for my classmates to arrive, but in the middle of signing several document, I realized that there were hardly any Asian-American in my class and I was one of few.

That night I go to a meeting hosted by the multi-culture center which I join and I was told that there were no more than 80 Asians at Hampshire College, including students from international. From my perspective, the lack of diversity was apparently and I was disappoint and mad at the administration for not truly understanding the meaning of diversity. Luckily, I was able to make it to the basketball team and although I was the only Asian American as usual, I felt very much at home because my difference was appreciated by my teammates who need short player. Then, at some time in fall, after playing in student organizations and affinity groups I realized that Hampshire commitment to diversity is more than race and ethnicity.

There weren’t many Asian Americans on the campus, but because of the alternative curriculum system, everyone in the school had a wealth of experiences and a variety of viewpoints on numerous fields of study. Moreover, students from all backgrounds were eager to listen to my research project and willing to approach me with different opinions. My experience at Hampshire College has been rough at times, but I enjoyed it because it gave me an opportunity to interact with people in a dynamic environment. It also gave me a noteworthy perspective on diversity. I learned that diversity is not about being different, but approaching the differences, and having the urge and the capability to learn from those differences.




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