Please critique - I could use it

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
JimHoyl
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Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:15 pm

Please critique - I could use it

Postby JimHoyl » Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:23 pm

Deleted.
Last edited by JimHoyl on Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

peterb0y
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Joined: Mon Sep 27, 2010 1:48 pm

Re: Please critique - I could use it

Postby peterb0y » Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:13 pm

didn't read the whole thing, but the first two words "demographically speaking" don't really seem to work for me

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2807
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Joined: Thu Dec 17, 2009 10:23 pm

Re: Please critique - I could use it

Postby 2807 » Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:22 pm

you are at nearly 6 pages when double spaced. You should trim it down to 2 pages, double spaced, leaving room for a title, and then come back for help on that. At least get it close.... We can spend time working on paragraphs and full pages that will be cut off anyway!

Ok, I read it anyway...

The good: You write very well. I am a big fan of clear and declarative sentences. You do very well at that.

The Bad: You are all over the place.. you need to focus! And, you have a weird typo at the very very end...

So, you need the "one sentence test." In one sentence lay it out there...
"My background as the son of extreme evangelical parents, coupled with my awareness later in life that "faith is not fact" has afforded me a unique ability to understand the power of nuanced and influenced views that create reality for people"

Or something like that. You spent all that time on your Asian brothers and academia and then shifted big time to the church stuff and your college experience.. PIck one. This PS is going to be short, you need to focus and use that awesome writing ability to craft a much more concise point. When you focus on one, you will be on your way!
Last edited by 2807 on Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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gin
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Re: Please critique - I could use it

Postby gin » Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:28 pm

Not bad for a first draft.
First thing I would do is, like the person above said, replace "demographically" with something else (I'm not sure what though)
On the second paragraph there is this long sentence in parenthesis. I would get rid of the parenthesis and replace them with a semicolon at the beginning of the sentence
It's a bit too long. You might want to condense the second and third paragraphs into one and maybe shorten the intro and conclusion
There were other minor grammatical errors and problems with the way it flows, but I'm sure you'll catch them

JimHoyl
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:15 pm

Re: Please critique - I could use it

Postby JimHoyl » Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:52 pm

Good stuff. Thanks for the input. Keep em coming.

Btw, I am at 2.5 pages double spaced with 11-point font, which is fine for most of the schools I'm applying to. I will definitely trim down for the schools that require a 2 page limit. As far as being "all over the place," I get where that's coming from. I just wanted to represent as much of these two aspects of my background, being raised among high achieving Asians and being a missionary's kid, as possible. Do you think it will be possible for me to focus on each of these aspects without having to exclude the other? And thanks for pointing out that last typo. It will certainly be corrected.

My other question for you critics out there, is do you find my last paragraph and the reason I give for wanting to attend law school a cogent, coherent, plausible explanation? It is certainly what I believe and feel, I just don't know whether it constitutes a good reason for wanting to attend law school.

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2807
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Re: Please critique - I could use it

Postby 2807 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 1:52 am

Remember. this does not have to be your life story. Don't feel compelled to lay out that you were "raised among high achieving Asians and being a missionary's kid." If you care to use that as a foundation for the actual "statement" in your personal statement, then you can do it one (maybe two) sentences. You spent precious space on the "set-up" and did not deliver with the grand finale. Try and reverse that..

I do not really get the point with what your actual message is. Make it really clear for me. SAY IT.

--Here is your intro sentence in your last paragraph: " What has sustained my academic interest over these past two years and what ultimately drives me to pursue a legal education at [XYZ law school], is a strong desire not only to continue expanding my own worldview, but to have an opportunity to expand the worldviews of others.

-- and here is a sentence from the same paragraph toward the end: "my longterm goal is to use the legal education offered at [XYZ law school] to put myself in a position where I can contribute to building a more empathetic society in which Evangelicals and non-Evangelicals can come to a greater understanding and appreciation of each other.

Those are too far apart to be together. You are dreaming to expand world-views, and the next you are trying to connect differing religions. Yes, we can all make a link, but in a short "statement" paper, you may be better off picking ONE statement and expanding on it.... Think smaller and this will get clearer, better, stronger.

I'm telling ya, do the one sentence test. Do a few of them. Pick the one that you can craft into 2 pages the best. Your PS will thank you.

JimHoyl
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:15 pm

Re: Please critique - I could use it

Postby JimHoyl » Tue Nov 09, 2010 2:47 am

2807 wrote:Remember. this does not have to be your life story. Don't feel compelled to lay out that you were "raised among high achieving Asians and being a missionary's kid." If you care to use that as a foundation for the actual "statement" in your personal statement, then you can do it one (maybe two) sentences. You spent precious space on the "set-up" and did not deliver with the grand finale. Try and reverse that..

I do not really get the point with what your actual message is. Make it really clear for me. SAY IT.

--Here is your intro sentence in your last paragraph: " What has sustained my academic interest over these past two years and what ultimately drives me to pursue a legal education at [XYZ law school], is a strong desire not only to continue expanding my own worldview, but to have an opportunity to expand the worldviews of others.

-- and here is a sentence from the same paragraph toward the end: "my longterm goal is to use the legal education offered at [XYZ law school] to put myself in a position where I can contribute to building a more empathetic society in which Evangelicals and non-Evangelicals can come to a greater understanding and appreciation of each other.

Those are too far apart to be together. You are dreaming to expand world-views, and the next you are trying to connect differing religions. Yes, we can all make a link, but in a short "statement" paper, you may be better off picking ONE statement and expanding on it.... Think smaller and this will get clearer, better, stronger.

I'm telling ya, do the one sentence test. Do a few of them. Pick the one that you can craft into 2 pages the best. Your PS will thank you.



Duly noted. I shall take into consideration. Muchos gracias.




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