PS - 2nd draft Forum

[toph]

I'll just make a new thread...

[elm84dr]

The best indicator of my certainty was probably that the decision didn’t lead to an easier path, but rather a more difficult one.

This sounds confusing and forced.

[gin]

You might want to change "correct thinking" on the 4th paragraph to "right choice".
I still like it a lot and think it's a good topic. Granted, I'm really biased because I went through something very similar, so you might want to listen to someone else on that aspect

[toph]

Thanks for the comments, it helps so much to just have other people read it and catch things that sound weird to them. I read it so many times myself that it's hard to notice things.

[The Gentleman]

I'm no guru, but I'll throw some thoughts your way.

- Biggest problem is the sentence flow. There were a number of spots in your essay where I had to stop and reread because of awkward wording/unnatural sentences. Try making your sentences shorter and less fancy.

- Taken as a whole, the essay is too abstract and lacks supporting examples/anecdotes. Try writing about a particular philosophy that you have come to appreciate and discuss how you applied it to a problem in your own life.

and promptly graduated with a concentration in pre-law philosophy.

Also, you came to college and promptly graduated? That needs reworded.

But there's definitely potential here! Good luck!

[MyShisha]

I read this last night, sorry for the late response. I think your second paragraph actually makes the stronger staring paragraph. I wouldn't use the first one at all. I know the point ou are trying to make, but it makes you sound unsure about your path to the point that I was reading the rest of your statement to look for proof that this is really what you want.

[toph]

I read this last night, sorry for the late response. I think your second paragraph actually makes the stronger staring paragraph. I wouldn't use the first one at all. I know the point ou are trying to make, but it makes you sound unsure about your path to the point that I was reading the rest of your statement to look for proof that this is really what you want.

Ahh, yeah I've heard that a couple of times now. Gonna have to edit to avoid that. Thanks!

[toph]

Bump. Revised version up top, didn't want to create a new thread.