PS - 2nd draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
toph
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Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:23 pm

PS - 2nd draft

Postby toph » Mon Nov 08, 2010 8:09 pm

I'll just make a new thread...
Last edited by toph on Wed Nov 10, 2010 7:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.

elm84dr
Posts: 222
Joined: Thu Oct 01, 2009 3:08 pm

Re: Personal Statement -- 2nd Draft

Postby elm84dr » Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:51 pm

toph wrote:

The best indicator of my certainty was probably that the decision didn’t lead to an easier path, but rather a more difficult one.

This sounds confusing and forced.

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gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Re: Personal Statement -- 2nd Draft

Postby gin » Mon Nov 08, 2010 11:42 pm

You might want to change "correct thinking" on the 4th paragraph to "right choice".
I still like it a lot and think it's a good topic. Granted, I'm really biased because I went through something very similar, so you might want to listen to someone else on that aspect

toph
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Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:23 pm

Re: Personal Statement -- 2nd Draft

Postby toph » Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:18 am

Thanks for the comments, it helps so much to just have other people read it and catch things that sound weird to them. I read it so many times myself that it's hard to notice things.

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The Gentleman
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Re: Personal Statement -- 2nd Draft

Postby The Gentleman » Tue Nov 09, 2010 12:37 am

I'm no guru, but I'll throw some thoughts your way.

- Biggest problem is the sentence flow. There were a number of spots in your essay where I had to stop and reread because of awkward wording/unnatural sentences. Try making your sentences shorter and less fancy.

- Taken as a whole, the essay is too abstract and lacks supporting examples/anecdotes. Try writing about a particular philosophy that you have come to appreciate and discuss how you applied it to a problem in your own life.

toph wrote:and promptly graduated with a concentration in pre-law philosophy.


Also, you came to college and promptly graduated? That needs reworded.

But there's definitely potential here! Good luck!

MyShisha
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Joined: Thu Jun 03, 2010 12:14 am

Re: Personal Statement -- 2nd Draft

Postby MyShisha » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:20 pm

I read this last night, sorry for the late response. I think your second paragraph actually makes the stronger staring paragraph. I wouldn't use the first one at all. I know the point ou are trying to make, but it makes you sound unsure about your path to the point that I was reading the rest of your statement to look for proof that this is really what you want.

toph
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:23 pm

Re: Personal Statement -- 2nd Draft

Postby toph » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:34 pm

MyShisha wrote:I read this last night, sorry for the late response. I think your second paragraph actually makes the stronger staring paragraph. I wouldn't use the first one at all. I know the point ou are trying to make, but it makes you sound unsure about your path to the point that I was reading the rest of your statement to look for proof that this is really what you want.


Ahh, yeah I've heard that a couple of times now. Gonna have to edit to avoid that. Thanks!

toph
Posts: 12
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 8:23 pm

Re: Personal Statement -- 3rd, and hopefully final, draft

Postby toph » Wed Nov 10, 2010 5:18 pm

Bump. Revised version up top, didn't want to create a new thread.




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