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- gbpackerbacker
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- gbpackerbacker
- Posts: 634
- Joined: Sun May 17, 2009 12:13 am
Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement
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Last edited by gbpackerbacker on Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- plenipotentiary
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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement
I think it's TMI.
- gbpackerbacker
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- Fresh
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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement
It's an ok start.
-No reason to talk about other applicants in the last paragraph (they already know this to be the case)
-End of paragraph 2: don't talk about the "one B grade"
My opinion on a diversity statement is that it's 'more okay' to tell rather than show, but I think that the way this is written makes your story unpersonal and disconnected from the reader. Incorporate more 'showing' and it'll be more effective
-No reason to talk about other applicants in the last paragraph (they already know this to be the case)
-End of paragraph 2: don't talk about the "one B grade"
My opinion on a diversity statement is that it's 'more okay' to tell rather than show, but I think that the way this is written makes your story unpersonal and disconnected from the reader. Incorporate more 'showing' and it'll be more effective
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- plenipotentiary
- Posts: 616
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm
Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement
Adcomms have read much more tragic biographies described with less self-pity ("despair," etc). They don't need to know the ugly details of your parents' divorce.gbpackerbacker wrote:How so?plenipotentiary wrote:I think it's TMI.
And honestly, growing up with a mom who yelled and didn't push you in school doesn't make you diverse.
The sentence where you compare yourself directly with more fortunate applicants is alienating; it makes you sound bitter.
As a whole, this essay doesn't make you seem interesting, likable, or insightful. It doesn't add anything to your application.
- gbpackerbacker
- Posts: 634
- Joined: Sun May 17, 2009 12:13 am
Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement
noted, thank you.plenipotentiary wrote:Adcomms have read much more tragic biographies described with less self-pity ("despair," etc). They don't need to know the ugly details of your parents' divorce.gbpackerbacker wrote:How so?plenipotentiary wrote:I think it's TMI.
And honestly, growing up with a mom who yelled and didn't push you in school doesn't make you diverse.
The sentence where you compare yourself directly with more fortunate applicants is alienating; it makes you sound bitter.
As a whole, this essay doesn't make you seem interesting, likable, or insightful. It doesn't add anything to your application.