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(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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gbpackerbacker

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Postby gbpackerbacker » Mon Nov 08, 2010 3:33 pm

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Last edited by gbpackerbacker on Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:08 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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gbpackerbacker

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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement

Postby gbpackerbacker » Mon Nov 08, 2010 3:52 pm

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Last edited by gbpackerbacker on Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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plenipotentiary

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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement

Postby plenipotentiary » Mon Nov 08, 2010 3:55 pm

I think it's TMI.

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gbpackerbacker

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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement

Postby gbpackerbacker » Mon Nov 08, 2010 3:57 pm

.

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Fresh

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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement

Postby Fresh » Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:08 pm

It's an ok start.

-No reason to talk about other applicants in the last paragraph (they already know this to be the case)
-End of paragraph 2: don't talk about the "one B grade"


My opinion on a diversity statement is that it's 'more okay' to tell rather than show, but I think that the way this is written makes your story unpersonal and disconnected from the reader. Incorporate more 'showing' and it'll be more effective

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plenipotentiary

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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement

Postby plenipotentiary » Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:10 pm

gbpackerbacker wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:I think it's TMI.


How so?


Adcomms have read much more tragic biographies described with less self-pity ("despair," etc). They don't need to know the ugly details of your parents' divorce.

And honestly, growing up with a mom who yelled and didn't push you in school doesn't make you diverse.

The sentence where you compare yourself directly with more fortunate applicants is alienating; it makes you sound bitter.

As a whole, this essay doesn't make you seem interesting, likable, or insightful. It doesn't add anything to your application.

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gbpackerbacker

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Re: Please Evaluate my diversity Statement

Postby gbpackerbacker » Mon Nov 08, 2010 4:24 pm

plenipotentiary wrote:
gbpackerbacker wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:I think it's TMI.


How so?


Adcomms have read much more tragic biographies described with less self-pity ("despair," etc). They don't need to know the ugly details of your parents' divorce.

And honestly, growing up with a mom who yelled and didn't push you in school doesn't make you diverse.

The sentence where you compare yourself directly with more fortunate applicants is alienating; it makes you sound bitter.

As a whole, this essay doesn't make you seem interesting, likable, or insightful. It doesn't add anything to your application.


noted, thank you.



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