Updated PS... Thoughts? Suggestions? I need your help!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Updated PS... Thoughts? Suggestions? I need your help!

Postby hawaii » Mon Nov 08, 2010 2:32 am

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Last edited by hawaii on Tue Nov 23, 2010 12:50 am, edited 3 times in total.

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: New and improved.... I hope.

Postby hawaii » Mon Nov 08, 2010 6:13 pm

Anyone? Pretty please?

Saltqjibo
Posts: 271
Joined: Fri Apr 02, 2010 6:47 pm

Re: New and improved.... I hope.

Postby Saltqjibo » Mon Nov 08, 2010 6:37 pm

However, had it not been for a pro-bono lawyer who took on my mother’s custody case in the U.S., I would have been raised in a small village in ________, destined to be married off at a young age without any freedom.


First, this, and the rest of your story constitute one of the most unusually compelling reasons I have come across in these forums for wanting to study law. I think it really works. (and after reading some of the other PSs about 'love of justice' etc. it was very refreshing)

When I got there however, the only thing the attorneys wanted me to do was make copies and proof documents. My office had paralegals before, and apparently, their experience was less than overwhelming. How would I ever learn about what practicing law was really like if all I got to do was check for typos?


I don't think this works, it makes you sound like the kind of person who takes a job without reading the description and the complains. Isn't that what paralegals do for the most part? Shouldn't you have known that? I think there is a way to phrase the idea that doesn't come off sounding naive.

All in all I think it is good and fairly tight. My gut reaction however is that I liked the first half more than the second, can't put my finger on why though.

Good luck!

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: New and improved.... I hope.

Postby hawaii » Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:11 pm

Hmmm...okay. Any suggestions on what I can do to make the second half better?

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: Updated PS... Thoughts? Suggestions? I need your help!

Postby hawaii » Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:35 pm

Anyone?

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niederbomb
Posts: 962
Joined: Sat Dec 12, 2009 12:07 pm

Re: Updated PS... Thoughts? Suggestions? I need your help!

Postby niederbomb » Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:08 am

Yes, the first half is personal and very interesting. The second half goes into too much detail about your job. This is the part that many people find boring.

After reading your PS, I'm thinking I need to do the same in mine: Tell an interesting anecdote about your job, then describe briefly how your job is relevant to your application/interest. That's better than describing it in such depth. It sounds overly mundane, and it's not specific to you. Couldn't everything you talked about happen to almost any paralegal? Definitely mention the award though.

Just my .02

TexasGE
Posts: 221
Joined: Mon Nov 15, 2010 5:06 pm

Re: Updated PS... Thoughts? Suggestions? I need your help!

Postby TexasGE » Mon Nov 15, 2010 7:13 pm

I think this is a good PS! You should remove the parts about how the attorneys merely wanted you to make copies.

Remove the last two sentences of paragraph 3 and the first of paragraph 4 and try to combine.

P.S. 'started to notice of my interest in law'??

Good luck!




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