PS help, last paragraph needs work

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bigben5289
Posts: 84
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 1:51 pm

PS help, last paragraph needs work

Postby bigben5289 » Sun Nov 07, 2010 2:30 pm

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Last edited by bigben5289 on Sun Nov 07, 2010 3:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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plenipotentiary
Posts: 616
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: PS help, last paragraph needs work

Postby plenipotentiary » Sun Nov 07, 2010 2:38 pm

The whole thing needs work. This essay doesn't tell me anything about you as a person. I know that you used to participate in debate, and that you were nervous (like everyone else), but you still won, and your dad was proud. If you had ten minutes to talk to an adcomm, is that what you would say about yourself?

Also, I hope that's not your real name.

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: PS help, last paragraph needs work

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Sun Nov 07, 2010 2:54 pm

are you still in UG? If so, which year? if you don't mind me asking.

the tone is too informal. EG:


bigben5289 wrote:I guess we got lost in a conversation and before we knew it,

bigben5289
Posts: 84
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: PS help, last paragraph needs work

Postby bigben5289 » Sun Nov 07, 2010 3:07 pm

ShuckingNotJiving wrote:are you still in UG? If so, which year? if you don't mind me asking.

the tone is too informal. EG:


bigben5289 wrote:I guess we got lost in a conversation and before we knew it,


I am a senior in undergrad

I wrote this when i was applying for undergrad and i thought it was a good narative that i could use for my personal statement, i need some help with the last paragraph, i have like 200 and 250 words to work with

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ShuckingNotJiving
Posts: 266
Joined: Wed Jun 30, 2010 11:24 am

Re: PS help, last paragraph needs work

Postby ShuckingNotJiving » Sun Nov 07, 2010 3:10 pm

yeah, it reads like it was written by a 17 year old. which is why i asked your school year.

assuming this is for real, do not use this. think of new topic. surely you have something from your 3.5 years of college that is ps material.

jazzluvr
Posts: 65
Joined: Fri May 15, 2009 11:40 am

Re: PS help, last paragraph needs work

Postby jazzluvr » Sun Nov 07, 2010 3:10 pm

It's a mess. Errors all over the place. Get it professionally edited or you don't have a chance.




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