Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

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Zarathustraspoke
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Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby Zarathustraspoke » Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:10 pm

I took much of the advice given to me on this forum and completely revamped my essay... any and all criticism will be very much appreciated.


“Faster…faster…eye on the ball… damn it, faster!” I said to myself as I dove head first from deep right field to catch the ball. I jumped up to my feet looking around me for the ball then I saw my teammate running towards me with a smile a mile long. At that moment I realized the ball was in my glove and I had just saved my team from losing the game. That game I got on base three times scored two runs and made the game winning catch. That game is also my fondest memory. It was a culmination of hard work and dedication to turn my disability into a motivational companion.
In the summer of 1994, on a beautiful summer morning, while playing the role of catcher in a makeshift baseball game my older brother accidentally struck me across my left eye while attempting to swing the iron pipe at a fruit. That day, I lost vision from my left eye. At first my father, I guess in an effort to instill some normalcy back in our lives, put me in a baseball team at the age of seven. I remember it being nothing extraordinarily challenging except that I had a hard time seeing and tracking the ball. Back then I was too young to realize that it had something to do with my impaired vision. However, as I got older I began to realize that my vision impairment was an actual impairment that widely affected my capabilities in playing baseball. So, I began to practice. I practiced during the winter, during the summer, or whenever I was not doing schoolwork. Amongst my teammates I did not want to be looked at as an outsider or someone who did not belong. Even if, after I removed all doubt they felt like I still did not belong, at the least I would be respected as an outlier. By the end of my senior year in high school I was the starting right fielder and one of the better hitters on my team. Most of my teammates did not even know that I was visually impaired; I chose not to tell them.
In my studies and in every other aspect of my life I have held the same motivational attitude. For my senior thesis I wrote on Nietzsche’s transcendence of good and evil where I was highly praised for the handle I had on many of Nietzsche’s ideas. Before I was able to even begin writing my thesis I had to read ‘Beyond Good and Evil’ three times over. The complexity of Nietzsche’s work seems daunting and understanding his writing might be vexing to many, but it is the challenge to overcome and understand the most profound of his ideas that has moved me to understand him. As President of the Hispanic Organization for Latin awareness I took pride in standing up for many of the under represented student bodies throughout our school. In addition, by coordinating a school wide voting drive where we were able to play a large role in getting a substantial amount of students registered to vote I have maintained that same motivational attitude that has allowed me to be a mentor to Bryan, my younger brother, who seeks my advice and guidance in many facets of his life.
This sort of passion and determination I hope to take into law school. I have been exposed to several examples of injustice that I believe to be unacceptable. These are the sort of injustices’ I have witnessed: when I was fourteen my mom was beaten to near death by my stepfather who fled the country before the cops could even get a description on him; the lack of respect that has been exhibited by some in our society towards immigrants and the type of life they seek after is inappropriate and does not speak to the fairness our society deeply embraces; also, when I was a sophomore in college I met a man by the name of Daryl Hunt who had been wrongfully imprisoned for more that twenty years despite there being evidence clearing him of any wrongdoing. By attending law school I wish to demonstrate the fairness and justice that is essential to practice of law in seeking to stand out as a model student.
In all, my eye accident has provided me with valuable life experiences that have allowed me to develop the sort of character that would make me an ideal candidate for law school. I plan to continue exhibiting the sort of motivation, courage, and respect for fairness and justice in law school that have served such a useful purpose in all of my accomplishments thus far.

eve2490
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Re: Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby eve2490 » Sun Nov 07, 2010 5:27 am

Zarathustraspoke wrote:I took much of the advice given to me on this forum and completely revamped my essay... any and all criticism will be very much appreciated.

It was a culmination of hard work and dedication to turn my disability into a motivational companion.


I remember it being nothing extraordinarily challenging except that I think you should rewordI had a hard time seeing and tracking the ball. Back then I was too young to realize that it had something to do with my impaired vision. However, as I got older I began to realize that my vision impairment was an actual impairment that widely affected my capabilities in playing baseball. So, I began to practice. I practiced during the winter, during the summer, orand whenever I was not doing schoolwork. Amongst my teammates I did not want to be looked at as an outsider or someone who did not belong. Even if, after I removed all doubt they felt like I still did not belong, at the least I would be respected as an outlier. its not wordy but its awkward in several ways By the end of my senior year in high school I was the starting right fielder and one of the better hitters on my team. Most of my teammates did not even knownotice that I was visually impaired; andI chose not to tell them.
In my studies and in every other aspect of my life I have held the same motivational attitude. For my senior thesis I wrote on Nietzsche’s transcendence of good and evil where I was highly praisedah try to say this in a humble way! I think you should mention what a professor said about it or, if applicable, the impact it made for the handle I had on many of Nietzsche’s ideas. Before I was able to even begin writing my thesis I had to read ‘Beyond Good and Evil’ three times over. (been there! haha I had an entire class on Nietzsche. Love that dude but my gosh. anywho... The complexity of Nietzsche’s work seems daunting and understanding his writing might be vexing to many, but it is the challenge to overcome and understand the most profound of his ideas that has moved me to understand him.make this all into one tense. If you dont speak generally, and you speak personally, you can make it all past tense and it will sound better and stronger As President of the Hispanic Organization for Latin awareness I took pride in standing up for many of the under represented student bodies throughout our school. whoa, this came out of nowhere. just a thought.In addition, by coordinating a school wide voting drive where we were able to play a large role in getting a substantial amount of students registered to vote I have maintained that same motivational attitude that has allowed me to be amentor to Bryan, my younger brother, who seeks my advice and guidance in many facets of his life. okay 70% of this paragraph was nietzsche. You might not get away with what you did in the end. The reader might forget your first sentence by the time he or she gets to the last two. Transition, cut, or put the end stuff else where. Btw, I dont really think I know this motivational attitude your talking about. If its relating back to your struggles with baseball and how you excelled and advanced despite your obstacles with your vision, and its the same case in college, then you should explicitly state that you had to struggle through college [although its clear that it couldnt have been easy. What im trying to say is to directly state for your reader that you have continued to do great things and now you are a mentor, despite your ongoing struggles. Im suggesting all this if thats actually what you were going for ofcourse.
This sort of passion and determination I hope to take into law school. I have been exposed to several examples of injustice that I believe to be unacceptable. These are the sort of injustices’ I have witnessed: when I was fourteen my mom was beaten to near death by my stepfather who fled the country before the cops could even get a description on him; the lack of respect that has been exhibited by some in our society towards immigrants and the type of life they seek after is inappropriate and does not speak to the fairness our society deeply embraces; also, when I was a sophomore in college I met a man by the name of Daryl Hunt who had been wrongfully imprisoned for more that twenty years despite there being evidence clearing him of any wrongdoing. By attending law school I wish to demonstrate the fairness and justice that is essential to practice of law in seeking to stand out as a model student. -okay. I love to pour my feelings too but the PS is a time to be concise and keep focused. You want everything to integrate, ideally around one theme, which for you can easily be your earlier experience in 1994. You kind of have to pick and choose whether you want to talk about domestic abuse within your family or the incident in your earlier life. Your whole PS was revolving around how you dealt with your new challenges brought on by the accident, and how your motivation since then has served you. You dont need to add, and you shouldnt try to prove, that you have seen acts of injustice which may have specifically led you to law. I would honestly suggest you leave this paragraph out altogether
In all, my eye accident has provided me with valuable life experiences that have allowed me to develop the sort of character that would make me an ideal candidate for law school. I plan to continue exhibiting the sort of motivation, courage, and respect for fairness and justice in law school that have served such a useful purpose in all of my accomplishments thus far.



My biggest advice would be to persuade without persuading. Illustrate your story, take the reader through your struggles and make the reader believe you've been through challenges without saying that youve been through them and that youve seen injustices in the world and that you think you would be a model law student. I would start over from the middle/end of the 2nd paragraph. I say this all in kindness and I sincerely wish you the very best of luck!

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Zarathustraspoke
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Re: Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby Zarathustraspoke » Sun Nov 07, 2010 8:57 pm

thanks on the advice...it was very helpful. My one question i guess is, dpn't you think I should say something about why I want to go to law school? Im asking you this because you advised me to completely cut off that whole paragraph. I just thought that I could of somehow tied everything into why I want to go to law school.

Oh and my other question deals with the paragraph about my more recent acomplishments(Nietzsche paragraph), do you think is a bad idea to speak about these accomplishments? I was not aiming on speaking about Nietzsche alone, it was more like a paragraph about other struggles, including the thesis paper, and how my early struggles have motivated to persevere and that I hope to bring that into law school.

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Zarathustraspoke
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Re: Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby Zarathustraspoke » Sun Nov 07, 2010 8:59 pm

damn it I hit reply accidentally!

Cont.- honestly than you:) the advice was very well taken I just want to know now that i clarified it a bit if you still think those paragraphs should be completely removed

eve2490
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Re: Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby eve2490 » Sun Nov 07, 2010 10:48 pm

You can still say and show why/that you want to go to law school. But tie it in with the body of your paper. Don't say that you've seen injustice, inside and outside of your family, and that it bothers you. You haven't spent any time talking about that in your body and it's slightly unwarranted to just mention it in the end. If you talked about the violence in your family earlier and devoted substantial space to it, then it would be different. It's sort of like cheating because it comes out of nowhere and the conclusion is where people often [erroneously] try to cram in all the things they havent said in the body but still want to say, but without any sort of transition or priming.

If you are going to talk about your earlier struggles and your accomplishments in college, you should relate those experiences to who you are today and why they have led you to study law (if they have). Or you could say that despite your struggles you are well equipped to embrace challenges and thrive in an intellectually stimulating and rigorous environment. Find a unifying theme (your disability and your perseverance) and revisit it throughout your entire essay, and then show how that theme affects your decision to attend law school.

Im sorry, I just looked back at your essay and you should keep the 1st paragraph, it grabs attention. But later, there are just so many shifts. You backtrack to the accident then you shoot forward to college, nietzsche and other stuff, and then you introduce a whole new set of reasons why you want to go to college( which, other than your motivational attitude, have nothing to do with what you said earlier.

I hope a few more people can give you some input. I do think that you have a good story to tell but it's just not fully developed yet and things are very jumpy. BTW, you dont nec. have to even say you want to go to law school. You can just paint a vivid picture of yourself, one that adcomms would like to contribute to their student body. Your struggles, dedication, and your resiliency demonstrate that.

About the college paragraph. The second sentence naturally makes me think that Nietzsche is what you will be talking about for that entire paragraph. But then, without a transition, you talk about other unrelated things. If you dedicate less space to nietzsche in the paragraph, it will help.

Okay, overall: My largest piece of advice- Think about 1 concrete topic/theme and DEVELOP it thoroughly. Create a cohesive, concise, and integrated piece. You do not need to say EVERYTHING. Choose your accomplishments in baseball, education, your mentoring in a fraternity, or your observance of injustice; not all. If you can find a way to transition ALL of these elements in a way that flows and makes a logical sequence of events, then awesome. But right now, I see that as no easy task. Feel free to PM me in the future and we could talk. I could also share my ideas on my own PS and the direction I am trying to go with it, and we can hopefully feed off each other.

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Zarathustraspoke
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Re: Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby Zarathustraspoke » Mon Nov 08, 2010 12:20 pm

Ok :) I will continue my work on it while taking into consideration many of the problems you saw with my essay. Once I've made substantial progress I''l PM you and we can continue and maybe you can talk to me a little about your PS

Saltqjibo
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Re: Ok... another Draft, hope you like it

Postby Saltqjibo » Mon Nov 08, 2010 6:03 pm

Here's a tip I'll offer that I found helped with mine: When I started I was kind of all over the place like you are, but I soon found out that alot of the schools I'm applying to have a 2 pg double space max. I kept editing it down until I hit that target. I found that it really focused the idea and the connections between what I wanted to say. It seems your main idea is your vision disability.

Here's a free metaphor or analogy or whatever: In the same way I needed to practice baseball with relentless dedication to compensate for my vision deficit, I aim to work equally hard in the area of social justice to compensate for the sometimes willful blindness of society.

-- I know that's not great, I'm just saying there are ways to tie this all together if you cut and then connect what is left




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