PS about medical health obstacle - please critique

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daydreamer
Posts: 108
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:10 pm

PS about medical health obstacle - please critique

Postby daydreamer » Sat Nov 06, 2010 2:50 pm

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Last edited by daydreamer on Sun Nov 07, 2010 1:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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LawLucy
Posts: 158
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:02 am

Re: PS about medical health obstacle - please critique

Postby LawLucy » Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:14 pm

daydreamer wrote:Hey all any and all critique would be greatly appreciated. Feel free to be as honest as possible, I won't take anything personally. Thanks!


Being an athlete, who, in times of stress, is most at home in the arena of competition. The football gridiron was my sanctuary and the basketball court, my refuge. ([color=#FFFF00]no offense, but this opening line isn't working...you need a draw). [/color]However, on Friday, the 13th of June 2008, my whole world turned upside down; it was the day I was diagnosed with cancer. For 6 months, (cancer has no timeline - get ride of "for 6 months") I had been experiencing chronic back pain and a diminishing ability to walk. Originally I attributed this to a sports injury, yet after numerous chiropractic visits with no resolution, I began to suspect something more serious. An MRI scan revealed a tumor that was surrounding and constricting my spinal cord. I was immediately sent to surgery to remove the cancer and afterwards was bedridden as I could not walk, stand or feel my legs. As a prisoner to my bed I You do not want to sound like a 'victim' to the admincommittee! How did you rise above your confinement? Turn this into a positive. no longer could participate in sports, my main mechanism for coping with stress. I felt useless and even worse, I felt hopeless.


I am going to take a stab at a couple of things with this first paragraph

See Edit above

1. Redo the first entry. You want to pull the reader in.
2. Watch your useage of personal pronouns!
3. I have a spine injury. I was told by my law professor in grad school and a esteemed professor in my undergrad that you never want to sound like a 'victim' to the commitee! You have to turn this negative into a postive...how did you rise above it? What were your thoughts? How has this empowered you? You shouldn't have to get nearly towards the bottom to see how cancer has transformed your outlook and made you stronger!
4. I wrote my PS18x before I had a final version and wiith 4 VERY different people reviewing. My addendum I wrote 8x...don't be discouraged. keep at it.
5. Being bedridden is a given. You either are or you aren't. I got rid of completely.

daydreamer
Posts: 108
Joined: Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:10 pm

Re: PS about medical health obstacle - please critique

Postby daydreamer » Sat Nov 06, 2010 3:58 pm

Thanks! Your comments really helped - I agree with all of your critiques and made all the changes. I'm still working on the "draw" though. Do you have any suggestions/ideas that I could use?

Also, how did you feel about the rest of my PS?

Thanks again so much!

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LawLucy
Posts: 158
Joined: Wed Sep 16, 2009 5:02 am

Re: PS about medical health obstacle - please critique

Postby LawLucy » Sat Nov 06, 2010 4:05 pm

daydreamer wrote:Thanks! Your comments really helped - I agree with all of your critiques and made all the changes. I'm still working on the "draw" though. Do you have any suggestions/ideas that I could use?

Also, how did you feel about the rest of my PS?

Thanks again so much!



I am going to PM my personal email to you. TLS peeps can be rude and brutal. I would rather give you some good tips offline. :wink:




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