Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
crgrs359
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:55 pm

Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

Postby crgrs359 » Sat Nov 06, 2010 2:40 pm

“We don’t accomplish anything in this world alone…and whatever happens is the result of the whole tapestry of one’s life and all the weavings of individual threads from one another that creates something”- Justice Sandra Day O’ Connor

My engagement in the democratic process began fairly early on in my lifetime. At thirteen years old, my father dropped me on a street corner to hold signs for Massachusetts Gubernatorial Candidate Shannon O’Brien. As I became more involved in that campaign, many of my young peers questioned my actions and considered them somewhat irrational. In what way could a thirteen year old contribute to the political process? Yet, somehow, I remained confident, I chose to maintain a belief that my actions, as limited in nature as they may have been, could make some meaningful impact on the democratic process.

My initial interest in the study of law can probably be most accurately described as a cursory extension of my passion for politics. From my perspective, the law represented a perfect avenue through which I could proliferate my interest in debate and advocacy. In retrospect, I had a very incomplete formulation of what a true conception of the law entails.

Upon enrolling at New York University, I followed what I perceived to be a logical trajectory towards pre-law studies. In my junior year, I was required to take a course in Civil Liberties. I became enthralled by many of the court cases I was required to read. What struck me most about each and every case was that at the basis of each were real people. Young people seeking improved access to education. Oppressed minorities seeking citizenship or land rights. Public advocates seeking protection of their fundamental rights to free speech under the first amendment.

In the course of my studies, and in subsequent academic classes, a number of U.S. Supreme Court cases have had a formidable influence on my understanding of the potential of the law. In Schenck v. United States, the court’s articulation of requirements for limiting free speech brought me to the realization that prior to this ruling, the U.S. Government was able to exercise vast discretion in censoring the voices of valid political dissidents. Equally as critical was the court’s ruling Mendez et al v. Westminster School District, in which the court effectively put an end to veiled racial classifications of public school students, enlightening me to the court’s ability to not only set the tone for contemporary aspects of society, but for the future of the nation’s children as well.

For the past four years, I have worked as a tutor in a second grade classroom on Manhattan’s Lower East Side in conjunction with the America Reads/ America Counts Program. The educational facilities of P.S. 110 are older, the local neighborhood rather run down. Yet inside the school’s walls are some of the brightest, most competent young people one could expect to encounter in any elementary school across the country. Yet, due to socio-economic constraints, many will not be afforded the opportunity to continue their academic careers beyond high school It is these young people, and countless individuals like them, who need a voice.
My interest in the study of law can be characterized as a fundamental evolution. Initially, my interest the law represented a realm in which I could give life to some of my personal passions: argument, debate, a forum for the discussion of relevant issues in contemporary society. Today, it revolves around a belief that my career in law can be utilized as a tool to help represent the interests of others. I have come to conceptualize the enormous power inherent in the law, and am confident that in a small yet meaningful way I might be a contributing voice for many of those who might otherwise lack one.

Eight years ago, I held a sign on a street corner trying to translate my convictions into action. Today, it is my very conviction that the law is the critical means by which the interests, convictions, and hopes of so many can be brought to fruition. It is the tapestry of my own experiences which has forged my desire to become a public interest lawyer.

crgrs359
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:55 pm

Re: Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

Postby crgrs359 » Sat Nov 06, 2010 4:22 pm

Anyone? I feel somewhat lost and am looking for direction.

crgrs359
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:55 pm

Re: Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

Postby crgrs359 » Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:51 pm

Guys please! anyone??

hawaii
Posts: 74
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:15 pm

Re: Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

Postby hawaii » Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:17 pm

A few thoughts...

    Get rid of the quote.

    I would avoid talking about specific cases because I don't see how it adds to helping the adcomm learn more about you.

    You say that you want to be a public interest lawyer to give a voice to those who don't otherwise have one. Do you have an example of where you've actually done that? I think discussing an andecote relating to this would make for a much more interesting hook.

    The following sentences seem repetitive.
    "My initial interest in the study of law can probably be most accurately described as a cursory extension of my passion for politics."
    "My interest in the study of law can be characterized as a fundamental evolution. Initially, my interest the law represented a realm in which I could give life to some of my personal passions: argument, debate, a forum for the discussion of relevant issues in contemporary society.

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oxford_don
Posts: 237
Joined: Mon Nov 10, 2008 11:06 am

Re: Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

Postby oxford_don » Sat Nov 06, 2010 8:24 pm

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Last edited by oxford_don on Mon May 12, 2014 8:54 am, edited 1 time in total.

crgrs359
Posts: 22
Joined: Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:55 pm

Re: Second Draft of PS, condensed version, would love feedback.

Postby crgrs359 » Sun Nov 07, 2010 2:07 am

Thanks so much. The feedback is truly appreciated. I will soon go back to work on editing my piece.




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