Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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shanshan333
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Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby shanshan333 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:21 pm

Removed.
Last edited by shanshan333 on Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

HowdyYall
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby HowdyYall » Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:24 pm

dont think this is gonna fit in the three lines provided :)

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shanshan333
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby shanshan333 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 10:30 pm

I'm submitting it as an attachment...

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3|ink
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby 3|ink » Sat Nov 06, 2010 1:12 am

I'm not familiar with Cornell's system. Do they require a 'Why' essay for all applicants in addition to a personal statement, or is this the personal statement?

No offense, but the essay comes off as incredibly boring. However, if this is a mandatory 'Why' essay, I don't think you have any choice but to make it boring.

I would definitely go further with 'study of law "within the context of its ultimate humanity"'. You could say something like 'It is a humble reminder that the law I intend to study diligently is really just another instrument in the service of man.'

You could also elaborate more on the liberal education they offer.

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shanshan333
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby shanshan333 » Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:06 pm

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Last edited by shanshan333 on Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby 3|ink » Sat Nov 06, 2010 10:02 pm

shanshan333 wrote:No, they don't require one. They give you three lines to say why you want to go to Cornell or allow you to submit an attachment. I'm not really sure how to expand on their liberal education because I don't know all that much. Perhaps I could just link the liberal education and the humanity quote...


I'm assuming that by liberal education, they're using 'liberal' in the same sense as 'liberal arts'. A liberal arts college requires a little bit of each of the 7 liberal arts in their core curriculum. The idea is that the graduate is better prepared for flexibility in the real world having been exposed to all 7. I imagine 'liberal' in the context of law school refers to a core curriculum with a little bit of every major facet of law: IP, Securities, Tax, etc. You could say that this exposure will better enable you to make a reasoned decision about what kind of law you want to practice. You could also say that this exposure will make you a more dexterous and/or adaptable attorney. God knows there are times where an attorney can benefit from knowledge in more than one area of the law.

eve2490
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby eve2490 » Sun Nov 07, 2010 4:59 am

When I first started reading, my initial reaction is that it sounded like you were having a conversation with your friend who asked you why youre applying to cornell. It reads like " Cornell is my #1 because X. I like that Cornell tries to do Y. I am further intrigued by Cornell's commitment to Z." I have a few Why XXX statements too, yet they're mandatory=/. Anyway, I think it might help if you go into 2-3 things that are the most striking to you and the most unique to cornell, and lacking in other schools. A program or opportunity that you're really into that they can offer, and that another school in the top 15 possibly cant. What makes them competitive in your eyes? Expand on a few points rather than list varies, general reasons like offering a liberal arts educ. Also, you say somebody reccomended it as a good fit for you. But you dont go on to say why and so who knows what would be a good fit for you bc the reader has no idea of what your about (except by looking to your interest in a liberal arts educ, horseback riding, etc.-basically the reasons you want to go to Cornell lol) I feel like the one thing you explained was your love for the nature and your hobby of horseback riding. Everything else is just listed and you dont expand on it. Look back over it and I think you will see what I mean. I say all this with kindness. Good luck!

CanadianWolf
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby CanadianWolf » Sun Nov 07, 2010 7:35 am

Too many words, too little substance.

CONSIDER: I am attracted to the educational opportunities offered by, & the philosophical foundation of, a Cornell Law education. I also wish to participate in horseback riding events & winter sports activities.

jdhakert
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby jdhakert » Sun Nov 07, 2010 8:01 am

Substance is lacking. "For these reasons, I am also impressed with Cornell’s premier public interest department and the fact that the university’s students have logged a total of 876 hours."


How does this sentence tie into the sentence before it? I don't think it's clear.

It is evident that Cornell values providing students with the opportunity to give back and be active participants in humanity’s progression. The law school also allows students to enjoy the time spent with classmates helping the community.

I would elaborate on how Cornell "values providing students with the opportunity to give back and be active participants in humanity’s progression". It is not evident to an uniformed reader and may not be so evident to an admissions councilor either. Show, not tell! Good luck!!

jdhakert
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby jdhakert » Sun Nov 07, 2010 8:09 am

shanshan333 wrote:Further, I would like to attend Cornell Law as it was recommended to me by the chairman of the St. John’s English department, Dr. Stephen Sicari, who informed me that Cornell’s liberal outlook would be a great fit for me. Additionally, I believe that Cornell can provide me with an education that will discipline my mind.


Why is Cornell a great fit? How can its liberal education discipline your mind? These are crucial points that need to elaborate on. I see how you say why a disciplined mind is good, but you don't show how Cornell's education will discipline yours, even though you state that it will. Once again, show, not tell.

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icouldbuyu
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby icouldbuyu » Sun Nov 07, 2010 8:51 am

I am writing my why cornell essay too. How long should it be? I capped mine at about a page and a quarter. In regards to this essay, I felt your general topic was good, but I'd try to make it flow better. It was a little difficult to read. These adcoms read thousands of essays, and so its vital that the essay flows easily.

bigwillie
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby bigwillie » Sun Nov 07, 2010 3:56 pm

So is it appropriate to write an addendum for why Cornell in addition to the three lines they provide on the application? Those who are writing addenda, are you filling out the three lines as well, or are you just using the addendum to answer the question? I started another thread on this topic and didn't get a definite answer.

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icouldbuyu
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby icouldbuyu » Sun Nov 07, 2010 6:04 pm

bigwillie wrote:So is it appropriate to write an addendum for why Cornell in addition to the three lines they provide on the application? Those who are writing addenda, are you filling out the three lines as well, or are you just using the addendum to answer the question? I started another thread on this topic and didn't get a definite answer.


I'm going to just write the addendum. It wouldn't make sense to answer the question twice I think.

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shanshan333
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Re: Please...

Postby shanshan333 » Tue Nov 09, 2010 4:09 am

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Last edited by shanshan333 on Mon Nov 15, 2010 11:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

gambelda
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Re: Please Critique 'Why Cornell' Essay?

Postby gambelda » Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:54 am

Put "I saw Andy Bernard on the office and just looooooooooooooved the Cornell attitude"

In all seriousness....do it.




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