Sitting in my kitchen in a bathrobe staring at my 2 para.s

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eve2490
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:00 am

Sitting in my kitchen in a bathrobe staring at my 2 para.s

Postby eve2490 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:54 pm

You can PM me if you're curious.
Last edited by eve2490 on Tue Nov 09, 2010 10:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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FishOil
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: Sitting in my kitchen in a bathrobe staring at my 2 para.s

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:02 pm

People say the streets of New York City are cold. Indeed, chilling winters are a characteristic element of the landscape and one that many of the city’s homeless can attest to. Aside from the cold temperatures, the homeless are often confronted with the seemingly cold indifference of the New Yorkers that they continually depend on for support. The overwhelming presence of poverty that infiltrates the city streets has made many city dwellers desensitized to human suffering and thereby force poverty to become an overlooked issue. Living in a city that symbolizes international economic prosperity and simultaneously reveals the tragic realities of homelessness, I could not begin to fathom the challenges that half the world population, living in dire poverty, must continue to face abroad.


So the first thing that stood out to me was that you used cold a lot (maybe too much?) in the first couple of sentences.

I also don't know if you want to make the jump from the indifference of NY'ers to them be desensitized to human suffering. I get what you are trying to say but this might come off a little harsh.

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FishOil
Posts: 79
Joined: Fri Aug 27, 2010 7:06 pm

Re: Sitting in my kitchen in a bathrobe staring at my 2 para.s

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:06 pm

Also I like your topic, I think you can show a lot about yourself with it.

You make some great points in the second paragraph but I think you should elaborate more (maybe paint a personal experience with the charity? Maybe a specific sell you made that helped you grow? )

Overall I guess I'm saying Show Me what it was like to work for the charity and what you got out of it.

eve2490
Posts: 84
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:00 am

Re: Sitting in my kitchen in a bathrobe staring at my 2 para.s

Postby eve2490 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:15 pm

.
Last edited by eve2490 on Tue Nov 09, 2010 11:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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crysmissmichelle
Posts: 399
Joined: Thu Oct 08, 2009 8:39 am

Re: Sitting in my kitchen in a bathrobe staring at my 2 para.s

Postby crysmissmichelle » Sat Nov 06, 2010 11:43 am

I think that the project itself is a good topic, but you need to try a little more "local" like telling a specific story from your experience instead of giving a description of the charity itself. They need to learn something specifically about you.

Try relating it more heavily to what drove you to volunteer for this particular charity. (maybe?)




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