check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
aquyenl
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check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby aquyenl » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:30 pm

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Last edited by aquyenl on Mon Nov 08, 2010 1:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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FishOil
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Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:43 pm

Woosh. Woosh. Woosh. The resounding, thunderous claps of the helicopter was deafening to all those on board the tattered, bullet-riddled fishing boat. For weeks, these Vietnamese “boat people” drifted aimlessly along the sea, escaping the trail of rubble left behind of what their recently collapsed government had become. Desperation emanating from the boat filled the air, mixing freely with floating water droplets from the crushing waves below. With the threat of plunder and rape from Thai sea pirates constantly on their heels coupled with a mere subsistence of one teaspoon of rice a day, there was absolutely no turning back. A daunting six feet of deadly open waters destined a life of persecution and oppression under Vietnamese Communist rule and a life of freedom in America. A forceful, yet muffled voice came from above. “We’re leaving now! Jump!” With a single, desperate leap across the watery abyss, my frightened mother and her family left on that fishing boat their homes, their livelihoods, and their entire past in Vietnam in exchange for a new beginning in a strange, foreign land.



Overall, I find this opening confusing at times. Its also hard for you to be a credible source of this scene since you weren't actually there, so it comes off a quite cinematic (see italics).

Also what are you trying to say with the text I bolded. I still don't know what "six feet of deadly open waters" is.

I may be way off here but I think you should rework this entire opening. :( sorry if I sound like a douche, just trying to help.

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FishOil
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Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:44 pm

Add "Watery Abyss" to something you might want to change.

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FishOil
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Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 6:49 pm

In your closing remark, you compare the leap your mother made (which was into a watery abyss) to the leap you are going to make by attending the Adcomm's school?

I don't think this is a comparison that you want to make. Law school shouldn't be much of a "leap" of faith.

aquyenl
Posts: 154
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:57 pm

Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby aquyenl » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:09 pm

thank you fishoil. those are great points. i will rework the opening. i was trying to come up with an eyecatching opener that spoke to the trials of my family's refugee background. are there any problems with the main portion of the PS?

aquyenl
Posts: 154
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:57 pm

Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby aquyenl » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:11 pm

FishOil wrote:

Also what are you trying to say with the text I bolded. I still don't know what "six feet of deadly open waters" is.



A daunting six feet of open waters between the boat and the helicopter destined a life of persecution and oppression under Vietnamese Communist rule and a life of freedom in America.

that is what i meant, thanks!

aquyenl
Posts: 154
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 12:57 pm

Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby aquyenl » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:20 pm

FishOil wrote:In your closing remark, you compare the leap your mother made (which was into a watery abyss) to the leap you are going to make by attending the Adcomm's school?

I don't think this is a comparison that you want to make. Law school shouldn't be much of a "leap" of faith.



ok, i changed the conc. to: Just as my mother and her family strived to pursue their dreams in the U.S., so too am I determined to embark on a new challenge and pursue my own dream of attending law school at the University of ().

any better?

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FishOil
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Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:23 pm

I want to know who You are, not what you have done. The beginning of main portion is too much about your family still (you can touch on this and I think you should but there is a good page before we even get to you).

Then you just appear out of nowhere as a "biology major" in college. It reads rather formulaic and I don't get a sense of who you are as a person, you come off as just another college student.

I don't think the 3.0 gpa warrants a mention in your PS (you want to focus on the good things about yourself). Also the lists of classes need to go.

Overall, focus it more around one thing (if you want that to be your background and diversity that is fine, but show who you are in your community and how that diversity defines You).

Hope this helps :)

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FishOil
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Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby FishOil » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:24 pm

Yes! That change you made to the last sentence comes off way better. :)

aquyenl
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Re: check out my personal statement please! (3.75, 166)

Postby aquyenl » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:26 pm

crap looks like im back at square one, thank you for your critique fishoil!




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