Critique my personal statement (Florida schools) Forum
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Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
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Last edited by bigben5289 on Sun Nov 07, 2010 2:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.
- Columbia Law
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- Posts: 84
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
What would you do to make it better?Columbia Law wrote:C+/C
thanks
- crysmissmichelle
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
The last three paragraphs are all things that should be covered well in your resume. The PS is your chance to tell them something about you and your experiences that they cannot just see on your resume. Was there anything else that happened on that trip to Peru that would be interesting or "telling" about your personality? Is there a different experience, trip, etc that affected you? The best explanation I can use for this is each piece of your application tells a story about you. . .the PS gives you a chance to tell something that doesn't "fit" anywhere else.
- Fred_McGriff
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
Fascination with justice and the rule of law sounds a bit abstract and far fetched. Are you really fascinated by justice and the rule of law?
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
Too much passive voice.
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
"I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el Banco de la Nacion in Lima, Peru."
instead of
"Driving down the street in Lima, Peru, I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el Banco de la Nacion (The National Bank)."
instead of
"Driving down the street in Lima, Peru, I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el Banco de la Nacion (The National Bank)."
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)
"I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el "Banco de la Nacion", The National Bank of Lima Peru." may even be better. However, this essay is riddled with mistakes. Take it to a professor or graduate student and ask them to look over it. I just wouldn't turn it in "as is". Good luck!