Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
bigben5289
Posts: 84
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 1:51 pm

Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby bigben5289 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:04 pm

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Last edited by bigben5289 on Sun Nov 07, 2010 2:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Columbia Law
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Joined: Wed Nov 11, 2009 7:51 pm

Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby Columbia Law » Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:09 pm

C+/C

bigben5289
Posts: 84
Joined: Fri May 07, 2010 1:51 pm

Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby bigben5289 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 7:12 pm

Columbia Law wrote:C+/C


What would you do to make it better?

thanks

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crysmissmichelle
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby crysmissmichelle » Sat Nov 06, 2010 11:39 am

The last three paragraphs are all things that should be covered well in your resume. The PS is your chance to tell them something about you and your experiences that they cannot just see on your resume. Was there anything else that happened on that trip to Peru that would be interesting or "telling" about your personality? Is there a different experience, trip, etc that affected you? The best explanation I can use for this is each piece of your application tells a story about you. . .the PS gives you a chance to tell something that doesn't "fit" anywhere else.

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Fred_McGriff
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby Fred_McGriff » Sat Nov 06, 2010 11:53 am

Fascination with justice and the rule of law sounds a bit abstract and far fetched. Are you really fascinated by justice and the rule of law?

jdhakert
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby jdhakert » Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:00 pm

Too much passive voice.

jdhakert
Posts: 80
Joined: Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:04 am

Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby jdhakert » Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:04 pm

"I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el Banco de la Nacion in Lima, Peru."

instead of

"Driving down the street in Lima, Peru, I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el Banco de la Nacion (The National Bank)."

jdhakert
Posts: 80
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Re: Critique my personal statement (Florida schools)

Postby jdhakert » Sat Nov 06, 2010 12:25 pm

"I stared out the window of my car as we drove past el "Banco de la Nacion", The National Bank of Lima Peru." may even be better. However, this essay is riddled with mistakes. Take it to a professor or graduate student and ask them to look over it. I just wouldn't turn it in "as is". Good luck!




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