Please destroy my First draft

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
gummy19vp
Posts: 58
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 5:21 pm

Please destroy my First draft

Postby gummy19vp » Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:04 pm

Traditions are powerful things at times extremely positive and beneficial and at times they serve as obstacles to growth and progress. I wish I could say that I came from a family that placed a high value on education, and it is not that my family did not care about education, but that we had no strong familial educational tradition. Neither my mom or dad or either of their parents had ever graduated from college, high school was as far as they had come. I will effectively be the first to obtain a college degree in my family. While for many this accomplishment is perhaps not as significant precisely because of their educational traditions in their family this is for me a great accomplishment especially, considering some of the obstacles that have been placed in my way.

I come from a large family I am the oldest of eight children which can be both a blessing and a curse. My parents were divorced when I was merely twelve years old at the time there were five of us kids with the youngest being my baby brother and sister who were merely ages 1 and 2 at the time. My dad moved about as far away as was possible, from Alaska to Florida, this further complicated matters for a boy of twelve who was then asked to be the man of the house and care for his brothers and sisters. My mom had not had a career of any kind since she had been married and had only finished high school she had been out of the workplace for so long that she did not have any qualifications or feasible job prospects. She decided to become a certified nurse’s assistant and began working nights. With a single mom who was working nights and had five young children at home including two toddlers much of the responsibility to care for them fell on my young shoulders I honestly do not remember the number of diapers that I changed or the amount of school lunches I packed but I do know while difficult these experiences I would not change for anything they made me who I am today.

It was at this time that I really became in charge of my own education and goals before this time period my mom like to be involved at school and with our classes however, with the new dynamics of the situation it was simply not possible for her any longer. I will admit I struggled at first my 7th grade year in school was a disaster the new responsibilities together with the adjustment to life with my dad who had always been my confidant and best friend took their toll. I would rebound however, and would go on to do very well in school. I became involved in student government and became class president my junior year of high school take multiple AP classes and would graduate with good grades and eventually go to college it was not however, always smooth sailing. As far as college went I had zero guidance perhaps because my parents had zero experience or were always more involved with my brothers or sisters who were getting into trouble. I think my relative successes were cause for being ignored at times and I ultimately did not apply to schools by their established deadlines and did not even take my SATs until the summer after I had graduated. I was able to get into Utah Valley University however, and while it was never my ideal choice of schools I can say that it has been a great place to get a college education and my opportunities and experiences here have not been wasted. My college experience has not always been smooth there have been plenty of bumps in the road but there always are when you are developing a new family tradition. A tradition based around education and its importance. I believe that I have come a long way and will be graduating soon with not one but two bachelor’s degrees the first in my family to accomplish that. I hope that this can serve as an example to my younger brothers and sisters and that they will strive to higher education.

I am not finished yet and it is with this aim that I choose to attend law school. I look forward to the new challenge and relish at the opportunities to expand my mind with a legal education. This is why I have jumped at every opportunity to expand the horizons of my mind I have lived abroad on three occasions I speak three languages I do not say these to boast but to demonstrate my willingness to take on a challenge and to highlight the diversity of my experiences. My education has been challenging at times, perhaps not because the courses have been rigorous or the academics were out of my grasp, but because I have forged a new path for my family one that my future sons and daughters can hopefully follow and one that will become a tradition that is positive and beneficial and will not serve as an obstacle to future generations of McCulloughs.

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TommyK
Posts: 1309
Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:08 pm

Re: Please destroy my First draft

Postby TommyK » Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:28 pm

Need a hook in the first paragraph. Make me want to keep reading. Maybe start with an anecdote about your parents' indifference or pride of you being the first kid to graduate college? Just an idea.

Also, a ridiculously awkward run-on sentence:

I wish I could say that I came from a family that placed a high value on education, and it is not that my family did not care about education, but that we had no strong familial educational tradition.


could be replaced by:

"I came from a family that didn't value formalized education."

I'm reminded of a speech writer giving an interview, talking about long, flowery writing being bad. One of the best lines in the history of speeches is "The news from France is very bad", he argued. It got to the point, delivered an emotional message, and it set the tone.

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gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Re: Please destroy my First draft

Postby gin » Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:41 pm

This is definitly a rough draft as it is a nightmare to a grammar nazi. I'm not goint to dwell on that and I would recomend you print it and read it out loud to yourself.
On the second paragraph, the focus on education is kind of lost. On your third paragraph you talk a lot about your accomplishments and miss-steps in high school but you do not talk about your college experience.
You mention that you speak 3 languages but that should be in your resume so you might not want to mention it since it only takes space.
I am not finished yet and it is with this aim that I choose to attend law school. I look forward to the new challenge and relish at the opportunities to expand my mind with a legal education

This doesn't seem like a good reason to attend college, and (in my opinion at least, though it's not a secret I'm not an expert) might actually help you with the addcomms, so you might want to elaborate a little or get rid of it

gummy19vp
Posts: 58
Joined: Sat Jan 31, 2009 5:21 pm

Re: Please destroy my First draft

Postby gummy19vp » Fri Nov 05, 2010 5:10 pm

Yeah it is a rough and very first draft thanks for the comments so far I did print it off and caught some awkard wordings and places I needed punctuation




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