First Draft of PS: Any critique welcome

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First Draft of PS: Any critique welcome

Postby jets098 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 7:34 pm

Last edited by jets098 on Mon Jan 03, 2011 1:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Posts: 91
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Re: First Draft of PS: Any critique welcome

Postby jets098 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 8:43 pm


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Re: First Draft of PS: Any critique welcome

Postby slg123 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 9:59 pm

jets526 wrote:This is the first draft I have written of my personal statement. If anybody can critique, tell me I'm going in the complete wrong/right direction or anything else I would appreciate it. Thanks.

Growing up I wanted to be an astronaut. I idolized people like Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and John Glenn. They were American heroes who reached beyond the realm of possibility into the unknown. As I grew older I realized that my particular skill set might not be suitable to a career where mathematics and engineering dominate. On April 7, 2007 that dream was shattered for good when I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

I would love it if you named some astronauts I could not name. It would show your level of interest. You may want to think about rewording your second sentence by saying "As American heroes, they reached.." because we obviously know who they are. The last two lines confuse me: did you decide you didn't want to be an astronaut because you're not good at math or because you were diagnosed with diabetes?

One of the first things told to me after the initial shock of the diagnosis had washed over me was, “The only two things you can’t do with your life are go in space and serve in the military.” For some reason this made me laugh. It was the first time I had laughed since hearing the news and been told my life would change forever. My childhood dream, as far out of reach as it may have been, was shattered. The back-up option was gone.

It was your childhood dream, but also your back-up option? I'm a bit confused by that especially because of the intense training it takes to be an astronaut... can't imagine it as a 'back-up' for anyone.

Despite what the doctors told me, being diagnosed with diabetes made me an astronaut of an entire different kind. I was being thrust into an unknown which was different, but entirely as terrifying as space. Over the years my life has become a constant education. The first challenge was coming to college just 5 months after a diagnosis. How would my roommate react to my condition? What would I eat? These and many other questions circled around my head as I stepped on the college campus for the first time.

maybe you should include some of the hardship that having diabetes includes beyond what your roommate would think (btw, why would he care?) and what you're going to eat. Shots? Fainting spells? Hyperactivity? I don't know a lot about diabetes, but including a description or snapshot here would be helpful.

Over the past three years I have learned a lot about myself and my illness. In spring 2010 I studied abroad in Cork, Ireland. Studying abroad is a terrifying and eye-opening experience for many people and my experience was intensified by being away from the comfort of American health care for an entire five months. The lesson I learned during this trip was that I could accomplish anything. The challenge did not deter me from accomplishing anything during this trip that I could have accomplished without diabetes.

you said the doctor said the only two things you couldn't do were go into the military and go into space... I don't think a doctor would ever say your diabetes would stop you from going to Ireland for a semester. Couldn't you just bring your meds with you? Why was it so difficult? Description here would help.

I believe that attending law school is another time in my life when I will be put into a new situation with an intense fear of the unknown. However, my experiences since being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes have given me the confidence that I cannot be derailed by any fear or uncertainty. I believe that these two traits will play a big part in my success in law school.

what are the two traits? confidence and? an example of how you might deal with a situation may flesh this out.

I was left wanting more from this essay. I think you can work your experience with diabetes into a good PS, but the astronaut thing seems a little forced.
Hope this helps.

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Re: First Draft of PS: Any critique welcome

Postby jets098 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 10:10 pm

Thanks a lot for taking the time to look at it. I emailed this out to a few people and I definitely have to revise the astronaut thing based on what people said.

What I really wanted to say is that when I was little I always dreamed of being an astronaut but as I grew older I realized that it wasn't something I was going to pursue because of the skills I had. However, I really wanted to work in the line about going to space or being in the military and connect it to diabetes because it is a line I have never forgotten.

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Re: First Draft of PS: Any critique welcome

Postby FuturePrez » Fri Nov 05, 2010 12:30 am

I like the astronaut thing...I think you should continue to thread in how you were an astronaut in a different sort more than just talking about diabetes. Mention it going to law school and maybe creatively tie it in "an astronaut with a JD" is pretty interesting.

Talk more about how diabetes made you feel, not just what you thought others might think, but maybe flesh out how you felt like an astronaut even in your own body as a result of the diagnosis.

I think it has a lot of potential keep working at it, you will get there.

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