Second draft. Please cough...don't...cough be nice

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Second draft. Please cough...don't...cough be nice

Postby gin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:52 pm

Thanks. you helped a lot
Last edited by gin on Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

bigwillie
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:48 pm

Re: Second draft. Please cough...don't...cough be nice

Postby bigwillie » Thu Nov 04, 2010 3:27 pm

Overall, its alright, definitely still needs some work though. I think the second sentence is a little clunky feeling. I understood the point you were trying to get across, but I had to read over it twice for it to make sense. I think you want a simple easy to read lead in to your statement, so maybe try to reword that.

Additionally, this felt more like a diversity statement than a personal statement, and you don't even mention law school or why you would be a good candidate for law school. Not that all personal statements have to be about law school, but this one kind of lacks focus and I feel it doesn't really live up to the underlying theme you lay out in the quotes in the first paragraph.

If you do choose to stick with this theme, I would try to cut out or shorten the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs and then try to relate more to law school towards the end and how these experiences made you consider law school (if that's what you're going for).

You obviously know how to write, so you're ahead of a lot of the personal statements I've read on here, and you have a good foundation. I just think you need to find a little more focus in what you're writing about and how you want to get your point across.

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gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Re: Second draft. Please cough...don't...cough be nice

Postby gin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 3:37 pm

This started out as a diversity statement but I decided I would combine both the PS and diversity
Do you think I should cut down the argument at the bible study sessions or somehow relate it to the religious culture of the US and how that influences the laws of the country?
Do you think that the theme presented by the quote ran thru the essay or was it just kind of lost?
Sorry I have so many question btw

bigwillie
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:48 pm

Re: Second draft. Please cough...don't...cough be nice

Postby bigwillie » Thu Nov 04, 2010 4:31 pm

I don't really know too much about how the religious culture of the US influences the laws of the country. I'm sure it does, and if that's something that you're interested in and knowledgeable about, then go for it haha.

As to the second question, I think it was lost a little bit. I really like the part about your ethnicity and sexuality, but as it stands right now, you don't really tie that part in with the quote, at least not directly. It's definitely something I'm sure you could relate back to the quote, and in the two paragraphs where you discuss these topics it seems as if you're building up to make this connection, but you fail to do so.

If I were you, I would either try to tie the ethnicity/sexuality stuff back directly to the quote (which might make the transition into the bible study stuff a little less fluid), or take that part out and put it in a diversity statement.

Hope this helps. And I hope I'm not coming across as overly critical, as I like your statement. Good luck.

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gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Re: Second draft. Please cough...don't...cough be nice

Postby gin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 4:46 pm

bigwillie wrote:I don't really know too much about how the religious culture of the US influences the laws of the country. I'm sure it does, and if that's something that you're interested in and knowledgeable about, then go for it haha.

As to the second question, I think it was lost a little bit. I really like the part about your ethnicity and sexuality, but as it stands right now, you don't really tie that part in with the quote, at least not directly. It's definitely something I'm sure you could relate back to the quote, and in the two paragraphs where you discuss these topics it seems as if you're building up to make this connection, but you fail to do so.

If I were you, I would either try to tie the ethnicity/sexuality stuff back directly to the quote (which might make the transition into the bible study stuff a little less fluid), or take that part out and put it in a diversity statement.

Hope this helps. And I hope I'm not coming across as overly critical, as I like your statement. Good luck.


There is no such thing as overly critical. There is only cunstructive criticsm and not-so-constructive criticism and yours is definitly constructive




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