Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
pereira6
Posts: 604
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:10 pm

Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby pereira6 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 12:49 am

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Last edited by pereira6 on Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:30 am, edited 2 times in total.

FuturePrez
Posts: 41
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2010 4:31 pm

Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby FuturePrez » Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:11 am

You have nothing else??

I would be careful with the message you are trying to send. It can be construed as "I have the leisure of following sports, which I also enjoy being involved in on an administrative level. I want to make a lot of money doing it someday (somehow involves corporate law?) because I have dealt with athletes"

Also, when you say of the 6Billion people in the world, no need to say "I as one" thats pretty obvious.

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gin
Posts: 389
Joined: Sat Oct 16, 2010 3:35 pm

Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very welcomed

Postby gin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:15 am

I find to hard to believe that sports is the thing you love the most, above your family or anything else, but it sounds like you are saying that on your first and second paragraph
You kind of jump around too much and don't focus on a specific theme unless the theme is "I love sports" which is something you explicitly say
What I got from it is that you like sports a lot but I don't really know what you are like and what are some of your attributes that would make you a good candidate. You do explain some things, but I'm guessing that a lot of that can be found on your transcripts and your CV
The entire statement sounds too optimistic and simplistic, if not naive
Last edited by gin on Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:17 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Flips88
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Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby Flips88 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:17 am

I found the musical version: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CEVdca9U9LM

But seriously, choose a different topic. A PS about watching a football game is unbearable. Not that it can't be your passion, but being into football does not scream "great law school candidate"

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brosef stalin
Posts: 24
Joined: Wed May 12, 2010 6:46 pm

Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby brosef stalin » Thu Nov 04, 2010 2:51 am

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Last edited by brosef stalin on Wed Nov 24, 2010 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

pereira6
Posts: 604
Joined: Tue Jul 20, 2010 6:10 pm

Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby pereira6 » Thu Nov 04, 2010 9:27 am

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Last edited by pereira6 on Mon Mar 28, 2011 11:30 am, edited 1 time in total.

WayBryson
Posts: 179
Joined: Fri Sep 10, 2010 8:24 pm

Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby WayBryson » Thu Nov 04, 2010 9:44 am

I don't hate the "I love sports topic," especially since you have demonstrated interests in the business side of sports. Also, I wouldn't worry about not having some great story about saving a baby from a serial killer on the sheer strenghth of your rhetoric alone. FYI, a lot of those essays really aren't helping their candidates because they sound contrived. That last post you just put up was pretty decent material. Your a 20 year old guy who has been handling his business, done well in school, and now wants to continue on. Great. As a 20 year old, simply having your shit together well enough to write a lucid well-thought-out statement IS going to stand out. Along those lines, I do suggest making sure that your application conveys that you have a good sense of what you are getting yourself into. Write down a few character traits and goals you have for yourself that you would like the admissions committee to read, and then come up with a narrative that allows you express those things. The juxtaposition of a love for sports, with an interest in a philosophy of religion course could make for a pleasant read. Good luck with it.

gambelda
Posts: 300
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Re: Hey TLS, come tear apart my PS! Advice very needed

Postby gambelda » Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:13 am

I never heard back from my most recent PM to you so saw your PS on here. Would it be possible to compare your love for sports due to the morals they provide and correlate them to the same morals found in law school and thus, why you believe you would enjoy law.

Let me give a more specific example...I always loved comparing business to golf. Golf is the only sport where you call a penalty on yourself, it exemplifies the morals we most believe are indicative of good people: honesty, respect, etc. Today's business world consists of very few peole with these qualities, but certainly a business that incorporates them will have a better chance at succeeding. I think we can agree that this is how business should be practiced.

Can you draw parallels between sports and law that are deep in understanding of aspects inherent to both?




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