A little less risky, I hope? PS - Please critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
slg123
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:29 pm

A little less risky, I hope? PS - Please critique

Postby slg123 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:04 pm

I know you learn a lot about my father in this essay, I am just hoping you also learn enough about me. What do you think? I know the ending is weak, I have to decide still how I want to go about it. Thanks for any feedback!

*editing the second half and will repost below!
Last edited by slg123 on Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.

shoop
Posts: 327
Joined: Mon Feb 15, 2010 1:52 pm

Re: A little less risky, I hope? PS - Please critique

Postby shoop » Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:12 pm

I'm sorry for your loss and your struggles prior to it, but this is too much about your parents and not enough about you, and there's definitely not enough about how your father shaped you as a person to justify that being your last line. It's more or less well-written, but not in that way that law school statements need to be.

bigwillie
Posts: 86
Joined: Mon Oct 11, 2010 3:48 pm

Re: A little less risky, I hope? PS - Please critique

Postby bigwillie » Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:17 pm

I think you have a great start, a well written and moving personal statement. I especially liked the first two paragraphs. After that though, I feel like you get a little bit off track. If I were you, I would keep the first two paragraphs the same and then try to transition a little more into some stuff that is more relevant to law school like you begin to do at the end of the second paragraph.

slg123
Posts: 38
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:29 pm

Re: A little less risky, I hope? PS - Please critique

Postby slg123 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 7:23 pm

shoop wrote:I'm sorry for your loss and your struggles prior to it, but this is too much about your parents and not enough about you, and there's definitely not enough about how your father shaped you as a person to justify that being your last line. It's more or less well-written, but not in that way that law school statements need to be.


Thank you, and I agree about the last lines.

bigwillie wrote:I think you have a great start, a well written and moving personal statement. I especially liked the first two paragraphs. After that though, I feel like you get a little bit off track. If I were you, I would keep the first two paragraphs the same and then try to transition a little more into some stuff that is more relevant to law school like you begin to do at the end of the second paragraph.


This is really helpful. It seems to set up for a natural transition. Thanks!




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