Sending applications this weekend...please critique my ps

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

How would you rate this Personal Statement? (Please be honest, it will only help)

Excellent
0
No votes
Good
1
33%
Decent
0
No votes
Bad
1
33%
Horrible
1
33%
 
Total votes: 3

Timmah621
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 1:52 am

Sending applications this weekend...please critique my ps

Postby Timmah621 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:14 pm

Personal Statement

My background has not been representative of a model citizen. I humbly admit that throughout the first half of my college education, I made the wrong decision on numerous occasions. As a result of these choices, my grades suffered, and I found myself in the midst of legal troubles. I was entwined within my new social life, and it took two life-defining events for me to have a true awakening. This true awakening led to my ambitions of becoming an NFL agent and obtaining a Juris Doctorate.

On November 24th, 2008 the first life-altering event occurred; my father passed away. While traveling for the funeral, the second unbearable event occurred simultaneously. As I was sitting in the airport, emotionally devastated, I received a phone call. The national fraternity office called to inform me that during my absence a hazing incident occurred, and a membership review would soon be conducted. I instantly knew what this meant for me. When I became president, I took an oath to take responsibility for the actions of my fellow brothers, even if I abstained from said activities. I was expelled from my fraternity, my house, my world. Nothing could have been more catastrophic. Within the same week, I had lost both my father and my fraternity. I felt completely demoralized.

Shortly after these events, while reading my father’s reflections of passage, I found the phrase, “as you know, there is little difference between stumbling blocks and stepping-stones, it’s the way that you use them that counts.” This made me think, would my expulsion be a stumbling block or a stepping-stone? What about my legal troubles and grades? Would I mature from these experiences, or would I continue down the same disastrous path? The answer was obvious; these had to be stepping-stones. I had to get my life back on track.

As I have discussed what led to my point of realization, I would like to “Tarantino” this story, and venture back a few years to highlight two of my distinctive traits, the first is leadership. Throughout my college career, I strived to be a leader. I was a member of four executive committees, and led group projects in four different classes. I never joined an organization with the intention of elongating my résumé, but rather, to become actively involved. By ambitiously grasping all opportunities presented to me, I have gained multiple perspectives on leadership, and feel strongly that I have the ability to lead any group.

The second characteristic is my incredible dedication. Throughout high school, my dedication was to music. At the age of fifteen, I participated in Drum Corps International, touring with the Crossmen Drum and Bugle Corps, and performed in front of forty thousand fans at the 2004 Finals of the DCI World Championships in Denver, CO. A few years later, I was accepted into one of the nation’s most prestigious music schools, The University of North Texas College of Music.
During my first semester, I decided to change my major. With this change, my dedication transferred from music to the fraternity. In the fraternity, I worked extremely hard, held many positions, and did whatever I could to gain the respect of my fraternity brothers. My commitment to the fraternity was truly proven when I was elected president at the age of nineteen, the youngest in our chapter’s history. Upon expulsion, I became dedicated towards building a career and meeting my standards for success.

I will be successful if I can achieve two simple criteria. I need to wake up every morning excited for work, and I need the opportunity to assist people. An NFL agent satisfies both these needs. First, I love watching football, but more importantly, I enjoy researching what occurs behind the scenes. I am fascinated with contract negotiations, collective bargaining agreements, trades, and the draft. This line of work would definitely, without a doubt, excite me every day,
Second, by being an NFL agent, I see an immense opportunity to help people. Many do not see this opportunity, and can’t be blamed with the recent publicity NFL agents have received. Due to this chaos, I am not surprised by the statistic that eighty percent of the league is either bankrupt, or in extreme financial distress, only two years after retirement. This is where I see an opportunity to help people.

I saw this opportunity in action with Willis & Woy Sports Group through one of their programs called “Life Beyond Football,” a networking retreat where their clients have the opportunity to connect with business professionals, and become educated through various seminars. Through my internship, I received a thorough look inside this industry, and confirmed that an NFL agent meets my criteria for success.

Now one may ask, how does this relate to law school? The NFL Players Association has strict requirements for agent certification. One of these requirements is to obtain either an M.B.A. or a Juris Doctorate, thus sparking my interest in law school. However, I had to be sure that this was the correct choice, so I joined the moot court team and Phi Alpha Delta Pre-law Fraternity. These organizations affirmed that law school is the correct choice on my path to becoming an NFL agent. Now, I am completely dedicated to obtaining a Juris Doctorate.

I am not asking the admissions committee to overlook my past, but to consider the strides I have taken since my moment of realization. I feel that with my powerful attributes and life experiences, I will contribute positively to the learning environment at (insert law school here), and will amplify the diversity of the entering 1L class. I thank the admissions committee for their consideration and look forward to the possibility of attending (insert law school here).

gambelda
Posts: 300
Joined: Tue Sep 28, 2010 11:44 am

Re: Sending applications this weekend...please critique my ps

Postby gambelda » Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:23 pm

brief thing, I would not use this: I would like to “Tarantino” this story

There are sure to be some people in the law admissions who will not understand this reference and given the gravity of this personal statement and it's importance, I would not use a slang or made-up word within it.

Timmah621
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2010 1:52 am

Re: Sending applications this weekend...please critique my ps

Postby Timmah621 » Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:48 am

Thanks for the input. Any other comments before I send off these applications on Sunday would be greatly appreciated.

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plenipotentiary
Posts: 616
Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2010 11:13 pm

Re: Sending applications this weekend...please critique my ps

Postby plenipotentiary » Fri Nov 05, 2010 11:53 am

A PS is not a grade addendum, so the first paragraph (and that whole theme) does not belong here. Don't use silly motivational quotes in your PS. You've also restated your resume/transcript, which is a no-no. From this essay, I understand that you are a frat guy who plays the drums and enjoys football. Is that what you want adcomms to know about you?




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