Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
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Nulli Secundus
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Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby Nulli Secundus » Wed Nov 03, 2010 10:46 am

The comments regarding the school name contained herein will summarily be ignored. Yes my current score (170) is laughable for that school, but there is still December and as long as there is hope, the name will remain the same!!


*********************************************************************************************************


In September 2008, I was sitting in a conference room at National Audit Office of Norway, invited as the sole representative of Turkey, to make a presentation about the current status of Joint Strike Fighter (JSF) Project in Turkey. Previous attendees warned me that conference had been boring, but I knew that was only because they were inadequately prepared and blamed that on our limited legal framework of audit. Instead of focusing on our weaknesses, in close collaboration with Ministry of Defense, I prepared a presentation detailing the robust decision making process allowing Turkey to be one of the few countries to have finalized the decision to procure the aircraft along with the USA and the UK. Presentation pleasantly surprised my colleagues, accustomed to the Turkish representative staying silent and generally not contributing, citing legal framework issues.

That meeting and the subsequent one in London were highlights of my career, however, instead of reinforcing my job satisfaction, after seeing the audit approaches available to my peers in other countries, these meetings only served to underline the implied legal framework issues. The new Turkish Court of Accounts (TCA) Law, after waiting its turn in the Parliament for the last five years, found itself a place in the agenda last week. Partly due to lacking internalization of the need for accountability, instead of ameliorating our problems, with a last second amendment TCA’s performance audit (value for money) mandate was removed from the law, creating further complications and a contradiction with international standards. Meanwhile, the law as a whole manages to preserve most of the outdated parts of the existing regulations.

My job closely parallels practice of law, in the sense of determining facts and which laws and regulations apply to the specific case and in the event of a conflict between regulations, understanding the essence of the law, intention of the legislature and finally, preparing the report to be tried in Chambers of TCA. I enjoy my job, I enjoy practicing in the general area of law and I precisely chose this career since it is the closest I could get to a law career with my major, however; I cannot plot my future clearly working for a government that can alter the mandate of a constitutional institution in such a drastic manner seemingly on a whim. Thus, I want to continue in private sector, where one’s future largely depends on one’s performance but this switch is close to impossible in Turkey, since practicing law in private sector requires a law degree, which is obtained at the undergraduate level and going back to undergraduate feels counterintuitive at my age.

I want my job to be closely related to corporations and to my major of Business Administration, specifically financial and the analytical aspects that I really enjoyed. Thus, after making the switch to private sector, I plan working in Corporate Law area, and due to myriad options presented to students, the excellent idea of programs of study, specifically “Law and Business” and my inexplicable feeling that the emphasis on bringing together a diverse student body is stronger at Harvard than its peers, I feel Harvard Law School would be perfect for me, which is one of the reasons why I am applying only to Harvard Law School.

I am fully aware of the challenges ahead, from the law school education to braving the legal market in this economy as a foreign national; but motivated by the need for a change and the need for bringing about that change while it is still possible; especially since I have not been so lucky as to be truly challenged so far during my education or my career and thus this would indeed be a very welcome change.

gambelda
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby gambelda » Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:43 am

nullisecundus wrote:especially since I have not been so lucky as to be truly challenged so far during my education or my career and thus this would indeed be a very welcome change.


I did a brief once over, may take a more thorough read afterwards (having a pizza party at work HELLLOOOOOO!)

But I rea dthis sentence and immedietly thought "wow this kid is cocky". The best students go out and challenge themselves. Saying you have never been challenged implies a lack of motivation or a super-inflated ego. Neither look very good. Saying something to the effect of, I have enjoyed overcoming past challenges greatly and I would look forward to the challenges that HLS would provide" might be more effective.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:45 am

Super boring and jargon-y. Restating your resume. Too many fancy words. Bad grammar and abuse of semicolons.

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knotoftoads
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby knotoftoads » Wed Nov 03, 2010 11:48 am

Im sorry but I couldn't get passed the first paragraph, too boring. You need to grab the reader's attention.

Hedwig
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby Hedwig » Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:25 pm

I think "I would like" or "I would love" instead of "I want my job" would sound better. They both mean the same thing but the conditional makes it less... I WANT, you know? As in, not greedy or demanding, not less strength of preference, especially if you go with "I would love" or I would greatly enjoy or something. Maybe that's a random personal preference on my part, though.

Also

Presentation pleasantly surprised my colleagues, accustomed to the Turkish representative staying silent and generally not contributing, citing legal framework issues

Either my presentation, or the presentation, you need an article or a possessive there.

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gdane
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby gdane » Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:38 pm

Im of the opinion that PS in which you try to "play lawyer" are weak. Not saying thats what youre trying to do, but comparing your job to the practice of law makes you seem somewhat naive since youve never practiced law.

Since this is a super reach, Id go with a risky personal statement. Write something out of the ordinary. Write something cute that will make Harvard remember you. In a good way.

Good luck!

mst
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby mst » Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:59 pm

In my opinion, the ability to write well includes the ability to write both long and short sentences. Not everything has to be complicated and wordy... you can break sentences up and have simple ideas and concise sentences.

I couldn't get past the first paragraph. Regardless of whether it's a good personal statement content-wise, I suggest you first bring it to a friend of yours with a strong understanding of the English language and a good grasp of writing. Otherwise, I promise that a Harvard admissions officer will put it down immediately, especially with your low LSAT (relatively speaking, of course).

Best regards.

EDIT: LOOK at this freaking sentence! It's WAY too long and wordy. Break it up... And that doesn't even mention grammar.

Thus, after making the switch to private sector, I plan working in Corporate Law area, and due to myriad options presented to students, the excellent idea of programs of study, specifically “Law and Business” and my inexplicable feeling that the emphasis on bringing together a diverse student body is stronger at Harvard than its peers, I feel Harvard Law School would be perfect for me, which is one of the reasons why I am applying only to Harvard Law School.

Don't apply to only Harvard Law School by the way. That's just dumb. I don't think they're going to be impressed by the fact that you're stubborn. It's not like you mentioned any particular aspect of the school that is vastly different from the opportunities offered by Penn/Wharton, Columbia, or Northwestern. The fact that you have looked at the website and found the "Law and Business" program, which is THE EXACT SAME TERM USED EVERYWHERE is not impressive.

If I were you, I would get a massive grammar overhaul up on this personal statement, and apply to Columbia, Penn & Northwestern as well.

WhirledWorld
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby WhirledWorld » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:19 pm

.
Last edited by WhirledWorld on Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:23 pm

mst wrote:Don't apply to only Harvard Law School by the way. That's just dumb. I don't think they're going to be impressed by the fact that you're stubborn.


Seriously. They don't need to hear that you really really really want to go there: lots of people do. There's a reason that Harvard doesn't have ED. And they don't need your "Why Harvard." They know they're great. They want to know why you're great.

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Nulli Secundus
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby Nulli Secundus » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:54 pm

Thanks for the comments everyone, keep them coming :) As for applying only to Harvard, it does have a very good reason and hopefully I will be able to pull it off with my December score, we will see in any case, all I need is a non-auto-ding PS.

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:57 pm

nullisecundus wrote:Thanks for the comments everyone, keep them coming :) As for applying only to Harvard, it does have a very good reason and hopefully I will be able to pull it off with my December score, we will see in any case, all I need is a non-auto-ding PS.


You know that Harvard also dings people will great numbers, right?

dakatz
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby dakatz » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:10 pm

I unfortunately have to second some of the more negative comments on this. It just came off as very boring throughout. You sentences just go on for so long that they are hard to even follow. The ending reeked of arrogance that neither Harvard nor any other school will appreciate. It only leaves questions. If you haven't been challenged, is that because you are just that brilliant? Or is it because you have not gone our of your way to seek something more challenging when it was in your power to do so? Whenever an admissions committee is given 2 choices, both of them equally likely, they will almost always default to the negative. You DO NOT want to say things like this in your PS. Also, it reads far too much like a resume. I feel like I've just sat across from you and listened to you discuss your work experience and goals for a few minutes, but I don't feel like I know you as a person (well aside from the fact that you never feel challenged).

And yes, those semicolons are used incorrectly so get those out. Semicolons connect individual sentences that are inherently related but have no actual connecting term (i.e. "It was the best of times; It was the worst of times"). If you have a word like "but", you don't need semicolon.

I am not saying that the experience you spoke of is not something you should write about. It sounds like something you could certainly craft into an solid PS. But make it more personal, resonant, and engaging.
Last edited by dakatz on Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dovetail
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby dovetail » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:13 pm

plenipotentiary wrote:
nullisecundus wrote:Thanks for the comments everyone, keep them coming :) As for applying only to Harvard, it does have a very good reason and hopefully I will be able to pull it off with my December score, we will see in any case, all I need is a non-auto-ding PS.


You know that Harvard also dings people will great numbers, right?


I think the term "non-auto-ding PS" inherently accounts for that fact. An "auto-ding PS" means "regardless of whatever else I have going on (up to and including perfect numbers) HLS will not let me in with a PS of this caliber on my application." Thus a "non-auto-ding PS" means "regardless of whatever else I have going on (up to and including perfect numbers), at least my PS won't be the thing that gets me an instant rejection."

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plenipotentiary
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby plenipotentiary » Wed Nov 03, 2010 4:18 pm

dovetail wrote:
plenipotentiary wrote:
nullisecundus wrote:Thanks for the comments everyone, keep them coming :) As for applying only to Harvard, it does have a very good reason and hopefully I will be able to pull it off with my December score, we will see in any case, all I need is a non-auto-ding PS.


You know that Harvard also dings people will great numbers, right?


I think the term "non-auto-ding PS" inherently accounts for that fact. An "auto-ding PS" means "regardless of whatever else I have going on (up to and including perfect numbers) HLS will not let me in with a PS of this caliber on my application." Thus a "non-auto-ding PS" means "regardless of whatever else I have going on (up to and including perfect numbers), at least my PS won't be the thing that gets me an instant rejection."


I'm saying that maybe you need more than a PS that doesn't suck too much to get into Harvard. Maybe you need one that's actively good.

I could be naive, though. Maybe if you have 4.0/180, it doesn't matter if your PS is written in crayon.

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James Bond
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby James Bond » Thu Nov 04, 2010 11:43 am

nullisecundus wrote:a personal statement


The James Bond of Terrible? The fuck? :|

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lzyovrachievr
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Re: Hi, my name is PS, Terrible PS. (The James Bond of Terrible)

Postby lzyovrachievr » Thu Nov 04, 2010 1:28 pm

James Bond wrote:
nullisecundus wrote:a personal statement


The James Bond of Terrible? The fuck? :|


I lol'd.




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