Help with PS topic

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
jets098
Posts: 91
Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:26 pm

Help with PS topic

Postby jets098 » Tue Nov 02, 2010 9:19 am

Ok, I originally posted a sample personal statement here and then edited because I read it over and realized it's not even worth having people tell me it's bad. Instead, I am looking for advice on a topic.

I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes in April 2007 (5 months before going to college) and this has been something which distinctly has changed my life. I definitely am avoiding any kind of sympathy card because that's stupid and won't work and is not really what I am into anyway. However, I would like to talk about how this experience changed me and possibly talk about how this has made me interested in public service law. I also wanted to touch on how I have really thrived off of this change in lifestyle.

Is all of that too cliche and should I think of a new idea or do you think this could turn into a good essay if written correctly? Thanks!

jets098
Posts: 91
Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:26 pm

Re: Help with PS topic

Postby jets098 » Tue Nov 02, 2010 11:44 am

anybody?

WhirledWorld
Posts: 331
Joined: Wed Sep 22, 2010 11:04 am

Re: Help with PS topic

Postby WhirledWorld » Tue Nov 02, 2010 12:47 pm

.
Last edited by WhirledWorld on Wed Jan 29, 2014 9:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

jets098
Posts: 91
Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:26 pm

Re: Help with PS topic

Postby jets098 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 1:38 am

This is only the first two paragraphs which I just threw together. I am really looking for an evaluation of the content. I know it can be tightened but before doing that I need to know that I am heading in the right direction or where I can go from here. Thanks.

The light clicked on above me and my breathing picked up as my blurred vision surveyed the scene around me. The nurse had come to rouse me for my first day of education about the newest challenge that life had thrown at me just twenty-four hours earlier: type-one diabetes. It was April of my senior year of college when I got the shocking news that I had been diagnosed with type-one diabetes. From that day forward my life has become a constant education in dealing with my condition, educating others, and learning ways to keep myself healthy in the present and future.

The ability to cope and deal with challenges and being able to find a silver lining in any situation is a challenge that I bestow upon myself every day. Most people in life work off a plan, myself included. We know where we want to college, what kind of job we want, and where we will live. However, life doesn’t listen to the person making the plan. Life is fraught with challenges which require change. Throughout my life these challenges have taught me a valuable lesson. While at the outset, “change”, may appear daunting, there is nothing more rewarding than not only surviving, but thriving off that very obstacle.

jets098
Posts: 91
Joined: Mon Aug 02, 2010 6:26 pm

Re: Help with PS topic

Postby jets098 » Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:49 pm

bump

Hedwig
Posts: 835
Joined: Sun Jun 27, 2010 1:56 am

Re: Help with PS topic

Postby Hedwig » Wed Nov 03, 2010 3:04 pm

It's hard to critique quickly thrown together paragraphs. I will say you're going to want to avoid sounding SO cliche - I mean, a certain amount is going to be hard to avoid when you're discussing thriving off challenges, but that last paragraph is pretty much one cliche after another. Maybe work more on showing, not telling, how you overcome your challenges with a few sentences about how life is unexpected and doesn't go along with your plan. If you wrote more about what your plan was and how diabetes derailed that but you dealt with it and turned it into something positive - that would work much better than simply saying "Life is unpredictable but it's pretty cool if you can overcome the challenges it throws at you." You're saying the same thing, but if you sort of show it through experience, you avoid the explicit cliches.




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