Has to go out today for deadline. Improvements?

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mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Has to go out today for deadline. Improvements?

Postby mrwarre85 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 11:40 am

I have to send this off today to make an early decision deadline! It needs some work, and I thought TLS could help.

Thanks.

Once, I rented a car and drove across Israel, stopping to ask Muslims in the Golan Heights and the West Bank what they thought of the expanding Jewish Settlements in the region. I was curious, free, and felt no danger despite the expressed concerns of my grandmother.

She hasn't always condoned my unconventional approach to learning, but I appreciate my grandmother. She helped raise me after my father left, and then, years later, she helped me grieve with me when my mother passed away. However, she and I have our differences. While we were both born and raised in small towns where the world was thought to be a simple, my life has since led me away from Oklahoma and its comforts, false or otherwise. In my early twenties I photographed, wrote, volunteered and worked in over 25 countries; this would have been impossible for my grandmother. Though she and I grew up in similar cultures, we did not have the same opportunities. She is 94 now and I know she would disagree with me, but things have changed.

The advent of the Internet and reliable global transportation has made the world instantly accessible, providing my generation with unique challenges and opportunities. We are now able to mediate disputes, such as the Israel/Palestine conflict, in a world connected, and thus complicated, by interdependence. The complexity of today’s disagreements is increased by their international nature, and whether they are between governments, intergovernmental agencies, political groups, socio-economic groups, or even races, their resolution requires more than just an open mind. In an intricately connected world, a global perspective is needed. It is when we truly understand problems from all angles that we are most equipped to solve them.

Living overseas provided me the opportunity to see the various disputes of the world more clearly. Walking through the markets of Cairo, where inhabitants frequently scurry off the road, shrinking from Toyota Land-Rovers driven by government officials, income inequality is obvious. Though we have the same problem in America, the vastness of our nation allows the rich to build gated communities on the periphery of what would be a shared reality, shielded from the less advantaged, people they likely govern. For this reason, the differences that create our obstacles are not as obvious.

Domestically, our corporate system widens the income gap, creating a higher probability that our future leaders will be raised in environments—like gated communities—that are not representative of the general population. This same system keeps many applicants who appreciate the challenges of the working poor from applying to expensive legal institutions. Furuthermore, in the American legal market, where access to knowledge and advocacy are often pricey, income inequality is again, a real concern. Those without adequate legal access are penalized severely, no matter the circumstances.

Is this fair? Reasonable arguments could be made on both sides because notions of justice are subjective. The Gordian nature of justice demands lawyers and political leaders maintain open minds: It is through debate and criticism that the most equitable ideas arise. Nevertheless, an open mind is not enough. For example, regardless of where economic disparity exists, be it in a market in Cairo or in an Indian Reservation in Oklahoma, the income gap in the world is a complex problem that will need to be addressed by people with global perspectives. This new, connected world will need to be accounted for while considering the broader economic, political, and cultural context within which laws are formed.

Depending who you ask, I am either a responsible liberal or a compassionate conservative; in fact, I have been employed by both of our nation’s major political parties. Either way, I am a man who makes an attempt at an open mind. However, I am not a man whose mind and heart blow with the fairest weather, robbing him of the chance to complete anything difficult, anything noble or meaningful. I would like to convey that I find truth in the complex, and that my worldview, shaped on multiple continents, will provide me with an advantage in advocating for the causes of the 21st century.

I believe that your institution would be particularly well suited to provide me the type of education I will need to advocate for those outside of the gated communities. . (enter specific stuff for that school, one or two lines) I, in turn, offer my intellectual curiosity, my respect for complexity, and the empathetic perspective I gained from my travels.
Last edited by mrwarre85 on Mon Nov 01, 2010 6:23 pm, edited 5 times in total.

bklynav
Posts: 13
Joined: Sun Oct 31, 2010 5:33 pm

Re: Has to go out today for deadline. Improvements?

Postby bklynav » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:39 pm

I like the essay. My only suggestion would be to change the first line. My initial reaction was "wow, going to the West Bank and asking sensitive religious questions doesn't see like the smartest thing to do."

Then after reading the essay I thought, what does the first line have to do with the main theme of the essay which is income inequality?

mrwarre85
Posts: 685
Joined: Fri Feb 27, 2009 8:40 pm

Re: Has to go out today for deadline. Improvements?

Postby mrwarre85 » Mon Nov 01, 2010 12:47 pm

bklynav wrote:I like the essay. My only suggestion would be to change the first line. My initial reaction was "wow, going to the West Bank and asking sensitive religious questions doesn't see like the smartest thing to do."

Then after reading the essay I thought, what does the first line have to do with the main theme of the essay which is income inequality?



haha ok well I read everyone elses and thought I needed to put the coolest thing I've ever done in the intro. was hoping it would contrast with Grannies low-key life....? Maybe I'll add something about Israel Palestine, and granny, in a new conclusion.




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