Another fun poll!

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )

Is this sentence alright grammatically and what not?

Poll ended at Wed Nov 03, 2010 2:17 pm

Sentence looks good
4
25%
Sentence needs work
12
75%
 
Total votes: 16

HowdyYall
Posts: 444
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:49 pm

Another fun poll!

Postby HowdyYall » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:17 pm

Can someone help me out, I feel that something is wrong with this sentence in my conclusion but cant put my finger on it:

"I hope to someday play a pivotal role enacting international treaties between the U.S and Mexico."


If it needs work, what specifically? Your help is much appreciated!
Last edited by HowdyYall on Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.

User avatar
2Serious4Numbers
Posts: 340
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 8:14 pm

Re: Another fun poll!

Postby 2Serious4Numbers » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:26 pm

"I desire to attain a pivotal role enacting international treaties between the U.S and Mexico. Improving the ecological and human well-being in the border region will..."

HTH

HowdyYall
Posts: 444
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:49 pm

Re: Another fun poll!

Postby HowdyYall » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:37 pm

alrighty thanks for your help! do you see any way i could keep it as one sentence though? my PS has been cut and cut and cut for about two months now and Im right at two pages (another sentence is gonna put me over)

User avatar
2Serious4Numbers
Posts: 340
Joined: Sat Aug 14, 2010 8:14 pm

Re: Another fun poll!

Postby 2Serious4Numbers » Sun Oct 31, 2010 2:38 pm

In that case, I would just tweak it so that it doesn't sound so run-on. Simple/concise sentences always allow one to end strong.

HowdyYall
Posts: 444
Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:49 pm

Re: Another fun poll!

Postby HowdyYall » Sun Oct 31, 2010 9:14 pm

does anyone else have any suggestions on making this sentence work?




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