This sentence...argh...!! Forum
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- Posts: 169
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This sentence...argh...!!
Help please!!
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Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off?
Thanks for your help in advance.
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Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off?
Thanks for your help in advance.
Last edited by padthai on Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
- purduepete2011
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- Joined: Sun Aug 16, 2009 10:48 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
sounds like those people are vomiting. i would tone down the imagery, but you're on the right track.
- Emma.
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Definitely a little off. At the very least I'd change "out of" to "from"padthai wrote:Help please!!
I leaned over the railing and peered down at the gleeful little faces, laughter bursting out of mouths crammed with apple slices and granola bars.
Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off?
Thanks for your help in advance.
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- Posts: 169
- Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:39 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha
Here's what I decided to go with:
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Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha
Here's what I decided to go with:
.
Last edited by padthai on Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.
- Emma.
- Posts: 2408
- Joined: Sun Oct 05, 2008 7:57 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.padthai wrote:Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha
Here's what I decided to go with:
I leaned over the railing and peered down at the dozen little faces, gleefully chewing on apple slices and granola bars.
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- Zapatero
- Posts: 517
- Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
This is a dangling modifier. The way it's written makes it impossible to tell whether it's you or the little faces doing the chewing.padthai wrote:Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha
Here's what I decided to go with:
I leaned over the railing and peered down at the dozen little faces, gleefully chewing on apple slices and granola bars.
- Zapatero
- Posts: 517
- Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Emma. wrote: Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.
Yes, just delete the comma.
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Zapatero wrote:Emma. wrote: Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.
Yes, just delete the comma.
What a simple solution....
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Does that sound better?
Last edited by padthai on Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
- Zapatero
- Posts: 517
- Joined: Thu Dec 04, 2008 7:14 pm
Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Yeah, you're good to go.
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!
Whoo!
Thanks Zapatero, Emma and Pete
Thanks Zapatero, Emma and Pete