This sentence...argh...!!

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padthai
Posts: 169
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:39 pm

This sentence...argh...!!

Postby padthai » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:12 am

Help please!!

.

Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off? :?
Thanks for your help in advance.
Last edited by padthai on Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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purduepete2011
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby purduepete2011 » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:18 am

sounds like those people are vomiting. i would tone down the imagery, but you're on the right track.

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Emma.
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby Emma. » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:24 am

padthai wrote:Help please!!

I leaned over the railing and peered down at the gleeful little faces, laughter bursting out of mouths crammed with apple slices and granola bars.

Is it just me, or does this sentence sound a little off? :?
Thanks for your help in advance.


Definitely a little off. At the very least I'd change "out of" to "from"

padthai
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Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:39 pm

Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby padthai » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:35 am

Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha

Here's what I decided to go with:
.
Last edited by padthai on Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:53 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Emma.
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby Emma. » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:37 am

padthai wrote:Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha

Here's what I decided to go with:

I leaned over the railing and peered down at the dozen little faces, gleefully chewing on apple slices and granola bars.


Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.

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Zapatero
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby Zapatero » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:40 am

padthai wrote:Yes! I knew it...
Thank you for your replies. I tend to have a problem with over-imagery. Gotta tone it down. The "little faces" are supposed to be kids happily munching on snacks, not people vomiting....hahahaha

Here's what I decided to go with:

I leaned over the railing and peered down at the dozen little faces, gleefully chewing on apple slices and granola bars.


This is a dangling modifier. The way it's written makes it impossible to tell whether it's you or the little faces doing the chewing.

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Zapatero
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby Zapatero » Sun Oct 31, 2010 11:42 am

Emma. wrote:Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.



Yes, just delete the comma.

padthai
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby padthai » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:01 pm

Zapatero wrote:
Emma. wrote:Eh, that isn't right either. It isn't clear that the kids are the ones gleefully chewing. Misplaced comma or something? I'm not the right person to fix grammar.



Yes, just delete the comma.



What a simple solution....
.

Does that sound better?
Last edited by padthai on Tue Nov 02, 2010 10:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Zapatero
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Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby Zapatero » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:13 pm

Yeah, you're good to go.

padthai
Posts: 169
Joined: Sun Oct 10, 2010 5:39 pm

Re: This sentence...argh...!!

Postby padthai » Sun Oct 31, 2010 12:18 pm

Whoo!
Thanks Zapatero, Emma and Pete :)




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