Personal Statement Critique

(Personal Statement Examples, Advice, Critique, . . . )
andylion
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Oct 30, 2010 9:55 pm

Personal Statement Critique

Postby andylion » Sat Oct 30, 2010 10:11 pm

Hi, everyone.

Please give me some advice on how to downsize this PS to no more than 700 words. Other comments are also appreciated.
In order to protect my identity, I have to leave many blanks to hide some key words here. And actually, this username is newly registered so that I can keep out of trouble.

I sincerely need your help. Thank you so much.


My family was split apart in [ ] when my parents had to flee to the United States and in doing so leave my younger brother and me behind in [ ]. At that time, I had very vague knowledge about why they “abandoned” us so cruelly, since my relatives concealed the real reasons from us when I was so naive that I used to believe in the [ ] government which claimed to be the “savior” of our country. I’d never doubted what I learned in the so-called “philosophical politics” until I started connecting my family’s tragic event to this autocratic regime after I grasped several pieces of what happened to us. The time I began thinking independently was my spiritual rebirth.

During my high school career, I had read many books from The Origin of Totalitarianism to the Federalists’ Papers. From both sides, I realized how bad a country could be under a [ ] regime and how sophisticated a political system could be with a free mind. I also explored many banned idealism philosophical books written by John Locke, Rene Descartes and Immanuel Kant, who advocated the natural rights and perpetual peace, which conflicted with the “philosophy of struggling” strongly supported by the [ ] Party. The newly absorbed knowledge totally toppled down what the Party had instilled into my brain for years. These masterpieces opened a new world to me and oriented me to discover the truth behind the scene.

From then on, every ideological lecture delivered by those soul-executors made me feel ridiculous. I almost scorned every sentence in my textbook and could not help telling what I knew to my classmates. Although my teachers came into attention to my irregular change, they just gave me a mild caution due to my outstanding academic achievement. In the end of my senior year in my high school, they even forced me to join the [ ] Youth League as an “award” to me. I had no choice when they issued the membership card to me even though I had never applied for. I reluctantly accepted their kindness because I knew they had the quota to accomplish. Ironically, I readily converted to the Christianity when my parents preached me at the same time.

However, my religion and my “partisan identity” certainly could not share me peacefully when I was all the time on the Party’s radar screen because of my offensive behaviors. I passively resisted paying the membership fee in order to be crossed out. Furthermore, I even persuaded my girlfriend, now my wife, who once was probationary party members, to keep a distance from the Party. I often came into a verbal fight, which always led to a physical one, with my roommates about many issues from the international relations to the leadership of the Party. Eventually, I was almost expelled by them to rent an apartment with my girlfriend afterwards. The confluence of all these things finally harmed me.

Nevertheless, at that moment, I still innocently believed I might bring a change to this country if I told more and more people what I knew. But an unexpected incident, the last straw that broke the camel’s back, triggered my self-exile thereafter. Right before my senior year, [ ] (emit a 3-sentence portion about why we had to leave our hometown and what happened to us) This trauma brought us from the ecstasy to the harrowing of hell, and also helped us make up our mind to leave our hometown where two generations of my family were persecuted by the same political entity.

We came to the United States to reunite my family in [ ]. Through a tough adjustment to our new life, guided by a twist of fate, I was offered an entry-level assistant position in an immigration law office in the afternoon of the same day I was granted of asylum. The majority of clients in that office were composed of [ ] and Sri Lankans who tried to seek asylum in the “City upon a Hill” which had been the refuge for millions of mournful people for centuries. Related to my own experience, I naturally informed my interest in pursuing a career in the law. Just several months later, I was accepted by the paralegal certificate program and the political science major in [ ] College. The former introduced a splendid world laying behind the obscure legalese while the latter provided an opportunity to find a way out for my country.

From my work, I gradually realize how vastly my fellow countrymen suffer from the despotism of the [ ] regime. From my study, I also gradually accumulate some understandings about the cons and pros of different political systems. I regained my lost innocence and fused both of above-mentioned into my scores of writings posted on my own website which was designed to introduce the American politics and some important Supreme Court cases, because I think the individual salvation is far from enough to overturn the future of the whole nation kidnapped by the Party. I initially tried to pretend to be “neutral” in my tone so that my website might survive the “[ ]” (an internet censorship project) imposed by the [ ] government. However, with the skyrocketing readership, the Party denied them to access my website from [ ] abruptly last year.

My powerlessness in front of the state machinery once again pushed me to the intersection of my life. Working with hundreds of clients from every corner of the world, my own country in particular, I am exposed to the suffering of ordinary people whose day-to-day struggles guide me to the social justice. Therefore, I profoundly believe I suppose to be an activist rather than an advocate, especially when [ ] becomes as dangerous and destructive as its ideological predecessor. The only viable solution to help those victims from the largest human rights violator is stretching out our hands to them and telling them they are not alone. Unlike other politically standoff [ ] students who evade the uncomfortable truth in our home country, my conscience asks me thousands of times to do something for those left-behind. I thus believe it’s the time I shall move forward to a law school where I look to build my practice of law upon the pillars of compassion and humanity.

Shrimps
Posts: 271
Joined: Sun Feb 14, 2010 10:04 pm

Re: Personal Statement Critique

Postby Shrimps » Tue Nov 02, 2010 4:23 pm

That's 1031 words. About double what most schools require.




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