Please comment on my PS - a story of a Chinese immigrant.

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flyfree
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Oct 21, 2010 12:49 pm

Please comment on my PS - a story of a Chinese immigrant.

Postby flyfree » Fri Oct 29, 2010 9:46 pm

Thanks a lot for any opinion offered from you.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND BEYOND
During the past decade of my life, I have experienced incredible challenges and exciting transformations. In brief, I have transformed from a Chinese student arriving here with only two suitcases to a patent professional having two American children. While once a foreigner without a clue about the rules and norms of this society, I am now a permanent resident who actively engages contemporary political, social, and legal issues.
Nine years ago, filled with the excitement of earning a Ph.D. degree from one of the top engineering schools in the U.S., I left China right after receiving my Master degree. When I stepped onto the airplane to the United States, I only knew American society depicted by Hollywood and NBA. It is also worth emphasizing that my Ph.D. research was in a second major that was quite different from my undergraduate field of study. It was a bold and daring move on my part to continue my graduate studies in the U.S. Unsurprisingly, the daunting cultural, language, and academic barriers embarrassed me at almost every public event that I attended during the first year. Regardless, I persevered and pushed myself to my limit, strictly following the motto of “No pain, no gain.” Gradually, the cultural and language barriers became the least significant obstacles in my path to thrive here. I successfully overcame academic barriers by spending an exceptional amount of time in the lab. Eventually, I not only obtained my Ph.D. degree in Mechanical Engineering, but also published 4 articles in the most prestigious journal in this field.
Three years ago, after receiving my Ph.D. degree, I decided to work as a patent professional, which is a highly respected profession in the U.S. To secure a position in this field is unusually difficult without having prior experiences. I was interviewed by approximately 10 partners and associates in the firm that I am currently working for. They analyzed and questioned my competence from almost every perspective. For example, a founding partner asked me to disclose three issues not set forth in my resume because those issues may weaken my candidacy for the job. Finally, the founding partner was convinced by my ability to “think on my fact” and to respond under pressure. He concluded my interview with the statement that I would always remember, “There is no ceiling here that stops you from making achievements. The sky is the limit.” I graciously accepted the offer and started my career by working more than 10 hours each day. During the past three years, I have impressed my colleagues by showing great initiative, intelligence, integrity, and an absolute commitment to delivering the highest quality of service to the firm’s client. Under growing encouragement from the firm, I have decided to dedicate my time and efforts to obtain a law degree in order to attain the next level of my career.
My goal of obtaining a law degree reaches beyond becoming a patent attorney. Throughout all the years that I have pursued my life in the U.S., society has warmly accepted me and rewarded me generously. Whenever I faced important moments in my life such as defending my dissertation, interviewing for a job, and adjusting my immigration status, people have evaluated my requests and applications solely based on my experiences, achievements, and character, rather than my skin color, nationality, or other prejudices. I have constantly wondered, “What makes people in this society be so open and accepting.” It is apparent that my life and success are built on the answer to this question. Having such a burning question together with a deep appreciation in my heart, I have decided to pursue a legal career in order to greater understand the fundamental value system driving this great society. In my determination, what is beyond intellectual property is a profound commitment that aims at learning, preserving, and promoting the great spirit of life in American society.

antonin
Posts: 130
Joined: Fri Dec 11, 2009 7:44 pm

Re: Please comment on my PS - a story of a Chinese immigrant.

Postby antonin » Sat Oct 30, 2010 1:26 pm

This sounds a lot more like a job cover letter: in my opinion, not at all a bad idea for an older applicant. You have actual achievements as opposed to the 22-year old, and it is a style that shows maturity if done correctly.
"Three years ago, after receiving my Ph.D. degree, I decided to work as a patent professional, which is a highly respected profession in the U.S. To secure a position in this field is unusually difficult without having prior experiences. I was interviewed by approximately 10 partners and associates in the firm that I am currently working for. They analyzed and questioned my competence from almost every perspective. For example, a founding partner asked me to disclose three issues not set forth in my resume because those issues may weaken my candidacy for the job. Finally, the founding partner was convinced by my ability to “think on my fact” and to respond under pressure. He concluded my interview with the statement that I would always remember, “There is no ceiling here that stops you from making achievements. The sky is the limit.” I graciously accepted the offer and started my career by working more than 10 hours each day. During the past three years, I have impressed my colleagues by showing great initiative, intelligence, integrity, and an absolute commitment to delivering the highest quality of service to the firm’s client. Under growing encouragement from the firm, I have decided to dedicate my time and efforts to obtain a law degree in order to attain the next level of my career"

This paragraph is not too good. The bold and italicized parts should not be on such an essay in my opinion. They are details that do not tell me anything about you, but they tell me about the company and their methods of hiring people. Also, the admission committee knows which jobs are hard to get and which ones are easy, so you do not have to tell them that a job is respected or not.
THe third part also needs some work. Generally, I would not consider this great essay, and also you do not explain enough why a person with a phd in engineering is taking such a 180 degree. Also, I thought law firms hired phd's in science without a jd to become technology specialists, and this position was extremely highly respected.




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